Parenting preschoolers | Not by Default

House Rules

by Chris | Oct 17, 2022 | Discipline, Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

When we bring sweet newborn babies home, we are rarely thinking about the rules we will expect them to follow. We are far too preoccupied with making sure they are fed, clean, and getting what we hope is an appropriate amount of sleep. Then as the newborn days fade and the reality of parenthood sets in we tend to set our sights on things like routines and milestones. After all that chubby little potato is not getting into any mischief at this point, they are still learning how to use their bodies and will. Then the toddler years come tearing through our lives before we have a chance to realize that this little person is changing faster than we are realizing. At this point many parents start to state rules and boundaries during periods of perceived mischief. No, you cannot touch the outlet. No, you may not touch my coffee. No, you cannot climb on the table. It can feel like it never ends. Sometimes we have done our research on how to speak to young children and those rules may sound more like this; oh, you want to climb. The table isn’t safe let’s climb on the couch. Instead of no running you may remember to say walking feet, or the quick and easy walk! These are better but in the mayhem of the toddler years sometimes it is easy to forget that this brand-new human being does not know the basis for these rules. They have no reason to think that it is dangerous, unethical, or unkind to do certain actions. They have impulses, and they act on them!

However, if you are stating rules left, right and centre and any of those rules happen to contradict you better believe that little person will notice. They will have to keep testing and pushing your boundaries to see what exactly the real expectation is in any given situation. Another thing to keep in mind is that for a toddler or a preschooler remembering a ton of rules for distinct situations is extremely challenging. They may not necessarily understand why they can walk and eat at home, but must remain seated at a restaurant. Why they can run inside the gym of their daycare, but must walk in every other indoor space. Why they do not need to wear pants at home, but they are required to wear them at their childminder’s house which to them, ideally feels like a second home. So then recognizing the confusion in the little person’s face many adults will attempt to explain their reasoning. We want to explain it well and so we use many words and perhaps some examples. For the toddler, who takes a little longer to process information than we may think, this wordiness is frustrating and more confusing. Imagine trying to enjoy playing a new board game, and the person you are playing with keeps stopping you to explain the why behind the rules. That game would soon lose its appeal, and your friend would be starting to get under your skin.

At this point I am sure you are wondering what my point in all of this really is. It is simple really, when your child is very young, still an infant ideally, sit down with every adult who lives in your home and decide upon a few house rules. The big umbrella rules that can cover all the little corrections you may need to make in the future. Rules that can last the entirety of the time this child spends under your roof. Rules that you can reference to that little baby touching the outlet, to the toddler, climbing the table, to the preschooler screaming no, and to the teenager sneaking out of the house. Rules that will become so well known and understood that you do not need to explain it each and every time. You can correct with less words, and older siblings can remember and use them with their younger siblings as well. In having fewer rules there are many benefits. One is that your child will not need to test quite as many boundaries, but believe me they will still test. Two, your child will be able to remember the rules from a much younger age, this does not mean that they have the ability to follow them- their brains are still quite immature! Three, it will encourage your child to consider for themselves why we behave the way that we do. It will encourage deeper and more considerate thought than relying on the adult to state the many different rules each day. Four, it will feel a lot less overwhelming. It is discouraging to be corrected constantly. It is disheartening to feel like you are always in the wrong. Having known and agreed upon rules can make that much less necessary. You can give subtler reminders rather than always correcting which empowers the child to remember the correct course of action. Lastly, and I think most importantly having agreed upon rules that do not change will ensure that your older child does not think your rules are arbitrary. A teenager who thinks that their parents are just making up rules to control them, or be mean is much less likely to respect their parents than a teen who has grown up with a set of consistent rules and expectations that have not changed. A bonus is that it is a lot less work on the adult to have another authority to point to. It will not work for the teens, but for the younger children simply telling them “The rule says” can be enough to make a child accept what you are saying with less fuss.

All of that being said I want to share the three house rules we have in our home.

1) We do our jobs. (This will be explained below)
2) We respect other people.
3) We respect belongings.

That is it. Those are the rules we run our home with and essentially every other correction or rule can fall under these three. As for the first rule I think I need to explain what those jobs are. For the children that means they do their job, which is to listen to mommy and daddy. I want to be clear here, I mean listen to what we are saying and engage with it. I do not mean obey our every command. It is expected that our children will listen to what we say, and they are welcome to discuss it with us respectfully. In some cases, they may need to obey as well, such as in a case of them neglecting a responsibility. In other cases, they may not need to, if we ask a favour, they are of course welcome to decline. We see their interactions with us here as a critical point for them to practice holding boundaries, negotiating, and compromising. We are the safest people for them to test those skills on, and it is our goal to empower them with those skills.

Rule one also applies to us adults. Our job is to teach our children, and do our best to keep them healthy and safe. So sometimes in order for us to do our job, and follow our own rules we need to override our toddler’s will. For example, if our toddler does not want to brush her teeth. We will remind her that our job is to keep her healthy, and brushing teeth helps keep her healthy. We give one opportunity for our toddler to cooperate after that reminder of the rules and then we gently do it for her, restraining her as gently as possible. Afterwards we empathize, hug, and reflect on what happened. We do not try to convince our children to do as we ask, we don’t bribe or threaten. We just remind them of their job, our jobs, and then do what is necessary as quickly as possible to get it over with. The longer it is drawn out, the more upsetting an ordeal it becomes.

Rule two covers a whole range of things. Instead of having to explain each and every time why we cannot push, bite, grab, or pull on another person we can point out that is not respectful to that person. Or if the situation is safe, we can ask, “does that choice seem respectful to that person?” It can easily be used in moments of attitude as well. “The way you said that felt disrespectful to me. Did you mean for it to be that way?” Often, I find my five-year-old did not intend any disrespect and he is flabbergasted when he is told it felt disrespectful. He often will correct himself and ask how he can say it more kindly. On the flip side the children expect that same amount of respect. I have had the humbling experience of having my five-year-old tell me, “I don’t like the way you are speaking to me. I think you need space”. He was right I was not being respectful. He felt safe enough, and empowered enough to recognize it and correct me. I apologized and adjusted the way I was speaking to him. Another interesting way we see this rule explored is through the expression of emotions. Especially anger. We often remind the children that it is okay to be angry, but they must remain respectful. That may look like walking away so that they do not say something in anger. It may look like screaming to stop themselves from hitting. It may look like just yelling space- something our whole family understands is necessary to remain respectful at times of big feelings. After the anger is under control we reconnect and repair as needed. Rule two requires some sort of repair if somebody is treated with disrespect. They do not need to say sorry, but they need to take some action to make things right. We leave it up to each family member how they approach that task. We hope that it will give the children plenty of practice in making repairs now, so that as they encounter different people and situations as adults, they will understand how to repair rifts- and how sorry is simply not good enough.

Rule three covers just about everything else. We respect belongings, whether they are ours or somebody else’s. They are meant to be treated with respect, not damaged or misused. That applies to walls, art supplies, pets, cars, toys, and basically anything else they come across. I don’t really like considering live animals as belongings but technically that is what they are, and they do fit in this category. It is because of this rule that I am able to keep all of our art materials at toddler height even on days when I provide daycare and have six children under five in my home. They very quickly learn how to use those supplies respectfully. Supplies that are not used respectfully are put away. Not for long, whenever we leave a room, I reset it. So, the very next time the children enter that room they again have the opportunity to use that material respectfully. They also have the trust to do it. There have been three incidents total of children drawing on walls or furniture in the four years I have provided childcare. In each instance the child cleaned it, and then they never repeated the action. There was no drama, no anger, no punishment. Just a reminder of the rule and then we moved on.

So far, these rules are serving us well. I hope they can carry into the older child and teen years. I can see rule two applying to wanting to be out late and to modesty. I can see rule three applying to borrowing the car, or sharing make up (yuck!) I am very aware that there may need to be tweaks to the rules as time goes on but as it stands I think they are a great tool in our home. I suggest sitting down and coming up with your own (minimal) list of family rules as well. Make sure you know why you have them. Your toddler will ask you approximately three billion times, and having an answer is handy. Give yourself a break from inventing rules and reasons in the moment. It is much easier to have a few to refer to for you and for the littles as well. For my Christian readers I intend to follow this post up (hopefully soon!) on my Christian parenting page with the scripture that you can reference when discussing different aspects of the rules. I will also talk about the overarching rule that these three stem out of in our home.

Changing Days

by Chris | Oct 11, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

My first baby is a month away from his fifth birthday. It is impossible to imagine a life without this this spunky little man, but it also seems impossible to understand how these past five years have moved by so quickly. I remember being reminded that the nights were long but the years were quick while scrolling forums during late night nursing sessions. I remember counting down the minutes until my husband would get home, and I would have another adult to talk to. I remember how long some of those early days felt. Somewhere along the way I found my footing and stopped stumbling through the days, and instead began running. Systemizing everything, making most of my life easy to live through on autopilot. We eat at set times, play at set times, and sleep at set times. Sure we threw an adventure to the zoo or park in between these routine days of monotony but for the most part as my baby grew into a toddler we developed a pretty set routine. Then just before baby two was born the pandemic struck. I marvelled at how not much had changed during the pandemic. Our routine stayed pretty similar although we were missing out on our visits with family and physically attending church. Our day to day, our play, and our meals stayed relatively unchanged. The problem is that when you are running through life it is hard to stop and notice the small but amazing things all around you.

Over the course of the pandemic I, like so many others, considered my life. I realized that I needed to be more engaged, and less routined. There was a definite balance that I needed to find, and at the same time I knew routine was still crucial for my young kids. The first thing I changed was my mobility. At thirty one years old I finally started driving, and it opened up a huge new world for me and my kids. The second thing I changed was my work situation. Pre pandemic I was working full time and a home daycare provider. Post pandemic I had started working only two full days a week. I still felt like the balance was not quite right and considered my work options. I have now switched to five half days a week offering a preschool program from my home. My kids and I have a reason to get up at the same time every day, our mornings look relatively the same day to day (with different children attending) and we engage in a lot of play and planned activities. After lunch our daycare friends head home and I am left with the afternoon to homeschool, and adventure with my children. This is an area we are still struggling to manage well, transitioning out of nap times, balancing outings with chores and errands. Figuring out how much school is right for us in this season.

What I have noticed since making these changes is that our days do not blend together as much anymore. I feel like I am seeing more, experiencing more of our day to day life. I think the balance I am searching for between change and routine is similar to the changing seasons. I want our days to be predictable enough that we are comfortable and not anxious, but change enough that we notice the end of one and start of another. Some things I want to try in the coming months to help me keep things fresh and engaging are as follows:

1) I want to change my decor more often. Even if it means just sewing some new covers for my cushions, and painting some new art to hang on the walls. I have noticed that whenever I decorate for fall or Christmas there is a sense of excitement and my kids and I comment on and soak up the changes. There are beautiful seasons and changes happening in nature from month to month, and I want to try to embrace those changes in my home. Rotate our throw blankets to match different couch cushions, hang themed art work, put out different centrepieces that we can create together. Small and simple changes that will help us mark changing time.

2) I want to try more seasonal cooking. Rather than eating the same meals week after week, I am going to embark on a cooking adventure and try encorporating more seasonal foods and dishes.

3) I may bring themes back to my homeschool and daycare days. I find the kids find the themes exciting, and while they are more work on my side of things, the reward outweighs the cost I believe.

4) Plan more seasonally appropriate adventures. There is always a feeling of loss when summer comes to an end. I find we try to squeeze so much into the warm days and then the rest of the year we wait. This year I want to squeeze as much as we want into each season. Fall hikes, winter beach trips with cocoa, and dancing in the spring rain. Finding ways to embrace every season and enjoy them, rather than watching them drift by as we run through our routines.

Anyways that is it for my reflection this morning, hopefully at this time next year as my sons sixth birthday approaches I will be able to sit back and reflect on how much we soaked up the time together, Noticed the day to day life, savoured it, and walked unrushed together through our daily lives.

“You do it”

by Chris | Aug 19, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Yesterday I posted about my approach to the toddler refrain, “Me do it”. Today I want to touch on the opposite statement that I have been hearing often from my four year old. “You do it”. Lately he has been asking for help with things he is fully capable of doing. He asks for help with his shoes which he has managed independently for three years. He asks for help getting snacks that he has been prepping for himself for two years. He asks for help bathing which he has been doing mostly independently for nearly a year now.

Additionally I have noticed that often when I ask him to do things for me that he replys, “no you do it”. I mention this separately because I think this is a very different situation.

When he asks me for help with things he already knows how to do, I see it as a bid for connection and care. He seems a little intimidated by the increasing challenges that are coming with his getting older. He sees me spending a lot of time helping Little Miss with her toileting. He sees me doing her hair every morning. He sees me teaching her how to put her shoes on. He sees me bathe her and the giggles and games that accompany each of these instances. He dresses himself and brushes his hair, he uses the bathroom fully independently. He does not have these care moments of connection that we used to have together. Simultaneously our expectations of him have increased. We know he can keep his space clean, so we expect it. We know he can brush his own teeth, and we expect it from him.

When I noticed the increase in asking for help I realized that he needed reassurance. Reassurance that he is still our little boy, that we are still there to care for him, and that we care just as much about him as his little sister. I have been operating under the principle that if I know he has mastered a task, and he asks me for help that I will help him unless I am absolutely unable to. He knows how to get dressed, he won’t lose the ability if I help him pull a shirt over his head. He knows how to wash his hair, he won’t lose that ability by me doing it for him a few times. What he gains from these acts is confidence that I am still there to care for him- no different than making my husband a coffee as a way to show I care. Just becaure a child is capable, it doesn’t mean in every circumstance that we should force independence. It seems to be a two steps forward, one step back kind of situation. A child runs towards independence, then they become frightened by the responsibility and freedom it entails, and run back towards the caregiver for reassurance before venturing towards independence once again.

Now the other circumstance I mentioned I see very differently. When I ask Mr Man to do something for me and he says, “no you do it”, I think it can be coming from two different root causes. Determining which it is I think is really important. Sometimes I ask him to do something for me that is a favour, asking me to grab a clean shirt for his sister for instance. He has every right to say, “no”. Just like when he asks me for favours, I have every right to say, “no”. Usually in this situation I accept his response and do it myself. Usually however he is very willing to help me out. The other circumstance I am much less thrilled about. When he is asked or reminded to do something that is his job, (pick up his toys, put laundry in the hamper etc) and he says no because he doesn’t feel like it. When I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is about being lazy, not about needing to be shown care.

When this happens I remind him of household expectations. I also employ logical consequences. He didn’t clean his room after himself earlier in the day, it needs to be cleaned before bed. We go upstairs at bedtime and find the mess and discover we will not have time for a bedtime story by the time his room is cleaned up. He drops food on the ground at a meal and refuses to pick it up, well I can do it but I may do it really slowly. It may take way longer for us to head out to the park than planned. We will still go but we will likely have less play time there because the time alotted was used up in doing the task for him.

I want my kids to know that I love to help them with things. I value their independence, but I also value that connection. The juggling act is making sure that they do not feel entitled to my help, or feel I should do everything for them. I want them to learn responsibility after all! I think experiencing both sides of this scenario with Little Miss wanting less help, and Mr Man wanting more has been invaluble to me. I am learning a lot more about observing them closely and noticing the nuances.

An Invitation to Play

by Chris | Aug 17, 2022 | Homeschool, Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers, Toddler, Toddler Activities, Toddler Environment

As a home childcare provider I find parents are often curious how I manage to get so much done in my home. I provide childcare, homeschool, write and have a large collection of plants and animals that I care for in my home. I am the one who primarily does the cooking and house work as well since I am the parent who has more time to do so, my husband works many more hours than I do. I was thinking about it this morning when a client was shocked that all three fish tanks in the house were mine. She asked how I manage everything. I think one of the most useful tools in my parenting (and childcare) arsenal has been the invitation to play. This is the tool that lets me get so much done each day. Many evenings before I settle down for the night I set out a few invitations to play. Something in my living room that will greet the children as they arrive (either my own two from upstairs or my clients on daycare days), something in my dining room to attract them while I prepare breakfast, and something in the playroom to draw the children in while I tidy and move us through that transition.

The strategic use of invitations to play has saved me so much time, energy and conflict. So what is it? It is exactly what it sounds like. Some call it strewing, literally strewing toys around to entice children, some call it a provocation to play (technically a little different but I use both) and as this post suggests some call it the invitation.

Take a few minutes to set out a few toys, art supplies, or even random household objects out in a play area (or another surprising area) to draw your child’s curiousity and provoke them to play. This morning I set a few blocks out in a row, put a few cars on top and then rested a baby doll at the end of my makeshift track. It took me two minutes to prepare, and bought me thirty minutes of play and giggles from my daughter and two daycare clients. By the time they finished playing and decided they were ready for breakfast, I was ready for them with a prepared meal. After breakfast they were ready to hop right into the bingo dabber and sticker art invitations that I had set out on trays on the floor around my dining room. While they explored the art materials I made myself a coffee and tidied up breakfast. Then we moved down to the playroom. Last night I had spent 5 minutes taping a picture of a washing machine to a tiny cupboard, filled a basket with doll clothes and hung a makeshift clothesline. The kids were thrilled when they discovered this invitation and played indepently while I drank my coffee and observed. This is just an example of a morning where I used a few different invitations to make my day run more smoothly. They can be used anywhere however. I have placed small dinosaur toys and pebbles out on our driveway near where we park. Conviently out of the way of where I need to carry groceries up to the house. My children are equally likely to either help me with the groceries or get drawn into that play area, but either way I have an easy and unhindered trip to bring the groceries in the house.

Similarly I have left a couple shovels in the front garden, just sticking out of the soil along with a pile of bush clippings. I have set paint and twigs out on my picnic table when I noticed some children are ready to head inside before others. Small starts to activities. Simple ideas or prompts that the children can develop. That is all it takes, a few minutes of planning and some strategic timing and placement. Let me know below if you are interested in hearing about some ideas for invitations or provocations to play.

Shopping Tips and Tricks

by Chris | Jun 13, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Shopping with young children tends to go two ways. Either everyone has a great time, and most of what needs to be accomplished is actually accomplished, or melt downs, power struggles, and frustration make the adult promise themselves never to do it again. I have had both experiences and I always end up doing it again. It seems hard to predict what kind of experience you will have, but there are some hacks to swing the likelihood of a positive experience in your favor.

This first point is not truly a hack, but rather a tip. Before choosing to take your child on a shopping trip evaluate their needs, and moods that day. If your child woke early, missed nap, and is bouncing of the walls- this is not the time to go shopping. They will crash soon enough and you will pay the price. If your child hasn’t eaten recently then make sure to provide a snack before you go, hanger and tiredness are two of the most common reasons for the shopping trip melt down. Some other things to consider beforehand are less obvious. Has your child had a good dose of your attention today? When we shop our attention is elsewhere and unless your child has already connected to you they will persistently try to win your attention. Has your child had the opportunity for movement today? Will they be tempted to get their energy out in the wide open spaces of a mall? Has your child had opportunities for choice, and a sense of autonomy today? A child being dragged along for errands who has not had any choice in how their day goes, or what they do in the day is a child who is stressed and will be easily triggered. It may seem silly to consider all of these points but if you do, and you address all these needs beforehand, it is likely you will have a great experience shopping. It does not need to be a huge endeavor either, stop by a park. Play a game of your child’s choice. After you both get a good dose of exercise and laughter in then give them a snack and head to the store. All of those needs can be addressed in ten minutes of play.

Toddlers can be a lot of fun but in stores they can be a real handful. Make sure you are clear on your expectations and boundaries before you shop, and be consistent. In my family the rule is that the children must remain within arms reach in the store at the toddler and preschool age. If they wander they get a reminder. If they do not return to us, or if they run then they go in the cart. End of story, there is no negotiation and we present this as a safety issue. They must stay with us to be safe. Since this has been the rule every single time since they started walking the children do not need to test the boundary. They know what the result will be, it never changes.

Remember that grocery shopping is a family errand, the children are part of the family and can contribute to the shopping. When they feel involved they are a lot more likely to cooperate. I like to ask my children before we shop if there is anything they would like to add to the list. As we shop I will read off the list and let them find the items and put them in the cart. For produce I help, and show them how to pick ripe and ready fruits and vegetables. For many products we have discussions about price, quality and quantity. At three Mr. Man decided he would rather a larger pack of store brand waffles, rather than the small pack of Paw Patrol waffles because he understood how to compare the price to the quantity of product and realized what the better deal was. This can be an amazing learning opportunity, and the children are kept engaged without needing to be entertained.

If your children start to get restless and whiny then try to fit in some time for them to browse. They don’t need to buy anything, but everyone likes the opportunity to browse items that interest them! If they become attached to the idea of purchasing something that you are not prepared to buy then offer to take a picture of it. Or write a note of it somewhere. Often just knowing that you are taking their desire seriously is enough for children to be satisfied and willing to leave the item behind. Just don’t promise to buy it next time unless you are prepared to buy it next time. They will remember, and if you don’t keep your word then they will not believe you in the future. I like to make more vague agreements like this, “That is really cool! You would love to buy that right? We don’t have the extra money to buy it today, but how about I take a picture so we can remember it for when we have extra money.” Alternatively have your child bring whatever money they have whether its allowance, birthday money, change they found etc and buy something within their own means. Learning about money really helps even young children understand that something fun cannot necessarily be bought at every shopping trip.

Let them help unload the shopping cart, help bag, and help load the cart back up. Instead of looking at all the candy displayed for impulse buying they will be busy working with you. My eldest also loves to be the one who swipes our cards, and since he is so focused on watching for that opportunity he barely even notices the candy.

There are many more hacks and tips that I plan to share in the future, but I hope this first set of shopping ideas will help on your next shopping trip!

Preemptive Discipline

by Chris | Mar 28, 2022 | Discipline, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

There is a lot more to discipline than just punishment or reaction to poor behavior after the fact. One of the easier discipline tools to implement and practice actually comes before any kind of misbehavior or emotional overwhelm. It is about equipping children with the tools they may need before situations arise that create big emotions. I suppose you could call it preemptive discipline. With my children and the children I have worked with over the years I have found one of the most effective types of preemptive discipline is providing information. Noticing trends and missteps, taking mental notes and then in neutral and unrelated moments supplying relevant information. It is up to the child what to do with that information, and it is best laid out conversationally and not as a lesson. I recently had an opportunity to have a conversation with Mr Man about the challenges and frustrations that come with playing video games. I had noticed some games he plays are causing some stress and tears lately. So during a neutral moment while we were eating a meal together screen free I slipped some information in there. “You know sometimes I notice myself getting so frustrated when I play my game. I just feel so tight inside my chest and tummy. Or sometimes I feel like my eyes are itchy an I want to rub them. That is when I know I need a few minutes to do something else. I noticed that when I take a breath or go get a snack, then that feeling goes away! Then I usually do so much better with my game when I come back!” There is not a direction for him to do the same, there is not an expectation of response just a sharing of information. I have found that this tool has helped with picky eating, with toilet learning, and with general emotional regulation.

In a similar vein to providing information I find providing alternate activities before situations arise can be immensely helpful. In our homeschool room I have set up a table with a box of tissues, a spinning toy, and some yoga cards and mats. Sometimes I bring out some breathing books, finger mazes, or pop its as well. This is a similar idea to the calm down corner that has become very popular, but rather than a focus on the emotions or on an adult guiding the children through their emotions I have provided a space where my children know some of their regulation tools live. When Little Miss starts getting really frustrated or overstimulated I often prompt her to strike a pose and will state an observation. “I noticed you are having a hard time waiting for your turn! Your hands keep wanting to touch that toy! What if we do a downward dog while you wait for your turn?” “Hmm, you are moving around a lot! I wonder if your body is telling you it needs some exercise. What should we do?” Lately she goes and sets up her yoga mat and does a few poses all on her own when she starts to feel the need to calm herself. These may seem like small things- providing information and providing preemptive alternatives but these small tools prevent a lot of bigger conflicts from even starting.

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