“You do it”

Yesterday I posted about my approach to the toddler refrain, “Me do it”. Today I want to touch on the opposite statement that I have been hearing often from my four year old. “You do it”. Lately he has been asking for help with things he is fully capable of doing. He asks for help with his shoes which he has managed independently for three years. He asks for help getting snacks that he has been prepping for himself for two years. He asks for help bathing which he has been doing mostly independently for nearly a year now.

Additionally I have noticed that often when I ask him to do things for me that he replys, “no you do it”. I mention this separately because I think this is a very different situation.

When he asks me for help with things he already knows how to do, I see it as a bid for connection and care. He seems a little intimidated by the increasing challenges that are coming with his getting older. He sees me spending a lot of time helping Little Miss with her toileting. He sees me doing her hair every morning. He sees me teaching her how to put her shoes on. He sees me bathe her and the giggles and games that accompany each of these instances. He dresses himself and brushes his hair, he uses the bathroom fully independently. He does not have these care moments of connection that we used to have together. Simultaneously our expectations of him have increased. We know he can keep his space clean, so we expect it. We know he can brush his own teeth, and we expect it from him.

When I noticed the increase in asking for help I realized that he needed reassurance. Reassurance that he is still our little boy, that we are still there to care for him, and that we care just as much about him as his little sister. I have been operating under the principle that if I know he has mastered a task, and he asks me for help that I will help him unless I am absolutely unable to. He knows how to get dressed, he won’t lose the ability if I help him pull a shirt over his head. He knows how to wash his hair, he won’t lose that ability by me doing it for him a few times. What he gains from these acts is confidence that I am still there to care for him- no different than making my husband a coffee as a way to show I care. Just becaure a child is capable, it doesn’t mean in every circumstance that we should force independence. It seems to be a two steps forward, one step back kind of situation. A child runs towards independence, then they become frightened by the responsibility and freedom it entails, and run back towards the caregiver for reassurance before venturing towards independence once again.

Now the other circumstance I mentioned I see very differently. When I ask Mr Man to do something for me and he says, “no you do it”, I think it can be coming from two different root causes. Determining which it is I think is really important. Sometimes I ask him to do something for me that is a favour, asking me to grab a clean shirt for his sister for instance. He has every right to say, “no”. Just like when he asks me for favours, I have every right to say, “no”. Usually in this situation I accept his response and do it myself. Usually however he is very willing to help me out. The other circumstance I am much less thrilled about. When he is asked or reminded to do something that is his job, (pick up his toys, put laundry in the hamper etc) and he says no because he doesn’t feel like it. When I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is about being lazy, not about needing to be shown care.

When this happens I remind him of household expectations. I also employ logical consequences. He didn’t clean his room after himself earlier in the day, it needs to be cleaned before bed. We go upstairs at bedtime and find the mess and discover we will not have time for a bedtime story by the time his room is cleaned up. He drops food on the ground at a meal and refuses to pick it up, well I can do it but I may do it really slowly. It may take way longer for us to head out to the park than planned. We will still go but we will likely have less play time there because the time alotted was used up in doing the task for him.

I want my kids to know that I love to help them with things. I value their independence, but I also value that connection. The juggling act is making sure that they do not feel entitled to my help, or feel I should do everything for them. I want them to learn responsibility after all! I think experiencing both sides of this scenario with Little Miss wanting less help, and Mr Man wanting more has been invaluble to me. I am learning a lot more about observing them closely and noticing the nuances.