Discipline | Not by Default

“Children need to know who is in charge”

by Chris | Oct 19, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Discipline, Parenting

Another argument that I mentioned in my introduction to this series is as follows, “children need to know who is in charge” and the arguer is often trying to make the case that you must use punitive, and often physical discipline to make sure that the children understand this point well.

Here is the problem with that argument. Even if you never punish a child, even if you never correct them, even if you do nothing to enforce this point, your child knows. They recognize their vulnerability. It is part of the reason why siblings compete for attention and resources. That competitor is a threat to their relationship with their provider. A child knows when they are too small to reach something. They recognize that they cannot drive a car or wipe their own bottom. They may know what they want to eat, but they do not know how to acquire and prepare it.

Older children who are becoming more competent and independent still recognize that they need help in their day to day lives. They naturally look to their adults for that leadership. It is their job to push back, to test limits, and to break rules. This is how they learn where they fit into their social structure, and in the ideally safe space of their home they can navigate ethics and rule breaking and the consequences. It doesn’t change that they know they are not in charge.
Even the teenager in the height of their rebellion and fight for independence desperately needs to know that they have the unconditional connection to their adults. They know they are not the ones paying all the bills, and they are likely still afraid to schedule their own doctors’ appointments. No matter how they try to throw off the power of authority over them they still recognize that it is there. They are still driven to please those adults that they hold in the highest esteem and ideally those adults would be their parents.

So, then my response to that initial argument that, “children need to know who is in charge” is simple. They already do. Now how are you going to hold onto that authority and respect? How are you going to keep their trust? Manipulation, behaviorism, and physical shows of power will not strengthen your authority. It will just keep your child in line until they realize that they can overpower you. It may keep them in line in front of you, but they will not trust your judgement for what they do when you are not looking. They will not trust you with their secrets and failures because you have created a relationship that is unbalanced in power and respect.
They know you are in charge, and you know you are in charge. The much more important question is what will you do with that power?

“I was spanked, and I turned out fine!”

by Chris | Oct 18, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Discipline, Parenting

A while back I made an introductory post regarding the topic of spanking and discussed my plans to dive deeper into the subject matter. I had listed a number of common objections people make when they are defending the use of spanking in the parenting of young children. I think the most common response I have heard is this, “I was spanked, and I turned out fine.” or along similar lines, “Spanking taught me respect and I thank my parents for that”. It is a tough statement to argue because with that one statement the objector has made this argument personal, and subjective all at once. No matter how much data you mention, studies you cite, or ethical arguments you make the objector can simply restate that they are proof that it is fine. No harm was done, and it is safe to repeat. I think the problem is that people who advocate against spanking so often focus on the data and the studies (that are numerous and very easy to access by the way) and dodge the argument that is being made. They do not want to say that no you did not turn out fine. No, you experienced trauma. No, you do not understand your own experience and I feel confident in invalidating that experience. That would be cruel and dishonest. However, in saying that they turned out fine, and therefor spanking is fine the objector is also invalidating the experiences of others. The experiences of many.

So here is where I stand on this particular argument. It is not the place of any one individual to discredit or ignore somebody else’s experience and argue from a place of subjective opinions. However, when somebody is making an emotional and subjective claim that they believe trumps any objective claims it needs to be disarmed before you can continue with an objective and fruitful conversation. The common advice in discussions is to argue the objective with the subjective and vice versa. This is a more unique argument in my opinion. When you are criticizing a parenting technique then a few possibilities arise no matter how respectful you attempt to be. First the listener may have used that technique in the past, and may feel judged or attacked. This will not leave much room for a good conversation. Secondly, this technique may have been used by the listener’s parents. In this case they may feel you are criticizing their parents, and in cases where that parent is sick or has passed those emotions, and the defensiveness may be all that much stronger. We tend to remember or paint people in a better light as they become more vulnerable. Thirdly, they could recognize truth in your words. They may resonate with some of the research and that can definitely strike a nerve if a person is not ready to face those feelings. So, whatever the case, it is very likely that the conversation will become emotional once this argument is made.

Once somebody is on the defense about a particular choice then they are waiting for any misstep, any perceived trap, any thing you may use against them. This is just not productive, and not helpful or encouraging to anyone. So rather than get into the research in this post (that will be for another day) or dive into the arguments for why they probably are not entirely okay, or suggesting that anyone should invalidate anyone else’s experience I would like to suggest a number of questions. Questions that are meant to understand the other person better. They are not meant to disarm or argue. They are simply meant to open up the discussion a little more and get everyone off of the defensive and into a real conversation.

1) You seem to be remembering your childhood fondly! What was it like?
2) What were your parents like?
3) What were you like as a kid?
4) What are your parents like now?
5) How are they with your children?
6) Have you ever thanked them for the way they parented you?
7) Do you think they have regrets?
8) So, you said you spank like your parents did, do you do other things the same also?
9) Are there things you wouldn’t do like your parents?
10) Did you ever have a really bad teacher?

These are just a few conversation movers. I am listing them as ideas for how to propel a conversation away from an argument but still have childhood be remembered in a more accurate manner. We tend to skew things when remembering our past, but sometimes while recounting certain situations other memories come to the forefront as well. The last question about the bad teacher is one that I find people become very animated in discussing. We remember the adults who wronged us as children, and often in fantastic detail. I have also noticed that when people recount their bad teacher experiences it goes hand in hand with how their parents reacted to their experience at school. Again, this is not a trap. If they suddenly remember that their parents treated them poorly in a certain situation, or that they were perhaps not as perfect as they originally tried to argue it does not need to be pointed out. It is much more powerful to say nothing. To just listen. To show them the same respect that we advocate for on behalf of young children.

Ultimately when somebody says that they turned out fine there is absolutely nothing you can (or should) say to prove them wrong. It really is a case of your word, against their word. And maybe they really did turn out amazing! Still, any kind of reflection on childhood, on remembering the way it feels to be a child, the way helplessness feels. The way powerlessness feels. Any connection with their inner child so to speak can only work to help in moving past that argument and into much more productive conversation.

House Rules

by Chris | Oct 17, 2022 | Discipline, Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

When we bring sweet newborn babies home, we are rarely thinking about the rules we will expect them to follow. We are far too preoccupied with making sure they are fed, clean, and getting what we hope is an appropriate amount of sleep. Then as the newborn days fade and the reality of parenthood sets in we tend to set our sights on things like routines and milestones. After all that chubby little potato is not getting into any mischief at this point, they are still learning how to use their bodies and will. Then the toddler years come tearing through our lives before we have a chance to realize that this little person is changing faster than we are realizing. At this point many parents start to state rules and boundaries during periods of perceived mischief. No, you cannot touch the outlet. No, you may not touch my coffee. No, you cannot climb on the table. It can feel like it never ends. Sometimes we have done our research on how to speak to young children and those rules may sound more like this; oh, you want to climb. The table isn’t safe let’s climb on the couch. Instead of no running you may remember to say walking feet, or the quick and easy walk! These are better but in the mayhem of the toddler years sometimes it is easy to forget that this brand-new human being does not know the basis for these rules. They have no reason to think that it is dangerous, unethical, or unkind to do certain actions. They have impulses, and they act on them!

However, if you are stating rules left, right and centre and any of those rules happen to contradict you better believe that little person will notice. They will have to keep testing and pushing your boundaries to see what exactly the real expectation is in any given situation. Another thing to keep in mind is that for a toddler or a preschooler remembering a ton of rules for distinct situations is extremely challenging. They may not necessarily understand why they can walk and eat at home, but must remain seated at a restaurant. Why they can run inside the gym of their daycare, but must walk in every other indoor space. Why they do not need to wear pants at home, but they are required to wear them at their childminder’s house which to them, ideally feels like a second home. So then recognizing the confusion in the little person’s face many adults will attempt to explain their reasoning. We want to explain it well and so we use many words and perhaps some examples. For the toddler, who takes a little longer to process information than we may think, this wordiness is frustrating and more confusing. Imagine trying to enjoy playing a new board game, and the person you are playing with keeps stopping you to explain the why behind the rules. That game would soon lose its appeal, and your friend would be starting to get under your skin.

At this point I am sure you are wondering what my point in all of this really is. It is simple really, when your child is very young, still an infant ideally, sit down with every adult who lives in your home and decide upon a few house rules. The big umbrella rules that can cover all the little corrections you may need to make in the future. Rules that can last the entirety of the time this child spends under your roof. Rules that you can reference to that little baby touching the outlet, to the toddler, climbing the table, to the preschooler screaming no, and to the teenager sneaking out of the house. Rules that will become so well known and understood that you do not need to explain it each and every time. You can correct with less words, and older siblings can remember and use them with their younger siblings as well. In having fewer rules there are many benefits. One is that your child will not need to test quite as many boundaries, but believe me they will still test. Two, your child will be able to remember the rules from a much younger age, this does not mean that they have the ability to follow them- their brains are still quite immature! Three, it will encourage your child to consider for themselves why we behave the way that we do. It will encourage deeper and more considerate thought than relying on the adult to state the many different rules each day. Four, it will feel a lot less overwhelming. It is discouraging to be corrected constantly. It is disheartening to feel like you are always in the wrong. Having known and agreed upon rules can make that much less necessary. You can give subtler reminders rather than always correcting which empowers the child to remember the correct course of action. Lastly, and I think most importantly having agreed upon rules that do not change will ensure that your older child does not think your rules are arbitrary. A teenager who thinks that their parents are just making up rules to control them, or be mean is much less likely to respect their parents than a teen who has grown up with a set of consistent rules and expectations that have not changed. A bonus is that it is a lot less work on the adult to have another authority to point to. It will not work for the teens, but for the younger children simply telling them “The rule says” can be enough to make a child accept what you are saying with less fuss.

All of that being said I want to share the three house rules we have in our home.

1) We do our jobs. (This will be explained below)
2) We respect other people.
3) We respect belongings.

That is it. Those are the rules we run our home with and essentially every other correction or rule can fall under these three. As for the first rule I think I need to explain what those jobs are. For the children that means they do their job, which is to listen to mommy and daddy. I want to be clear here, I mean listen to what we are saying and engage with it. I do not mean obey our every command. It is expected that our children will listen to what we say, and they are welcome to discuss it with us respectfully. In some cases, they may need to obey as well, such as in a case of them neglecting a responsibility. In other cases, they may not need to, if we ask a favour, they are of course welcome to decline. We see their interactions with us here as a critical point for them to practice holding boundaries, negotiating, and compromising. We are the safest people for them to test those skills on, and it is our goal to empower them with those skills.

Rule one also applies to us adults. Our job is to teach our children, and do our best to keep them healthy and safe. So sometimes in order for us to do our job, and follow our own rules we need to override our toddler’s will. For example, if our toddler does not want to brush her teeth. We will remind her that our job is to keep her healthy, and brushing teeth helps keep her healthy. We give one opportunity for our toddler to cooperate after that reminder of the rules and then we gently do it for her, restraining her as gently as possible. Afterwards we empathize, hug, and reflect on what happened. We do not try to convince our children to do as we ask, we don’t bribe or threaten. We just remind them of their job, our jobs, and then do what is necessary as quickly as possible to get it over with. The longer it is drawn out, the more upsetting an ordeal it becomes.

Rule two covers a whole range of things. Instead of having to explain each and every time why we cannot push, bite, grab, or pull on another person we can point out that is not respectful to that person. Or if the situation is safe, we can ask, “does that choice seem respectful to that person?” It can easily be used in moments of attitude as well. “The way you said that felt disrespectful to me. Did you mean for it to be that way?” Often, I find my five-year-old did not intend any disrespect and he is flabbergasted when he is told it felt disrespectful. He often will correct himself and ask how he can say it more kindly. On the flip side the children expect that same amount of respect. I have had the humbling experience of having my five-year-old tell me, “I don’t like the way you are speaking to me. I think you need space”. He was right I was not being respectful. He felt safe enough, and empowered enough to recognize it and correct me. I apologized and adjusted the way I was speaking to him. Another interesting way we see this rule explored is through the expression of emotions. Especially anger. We often remind the children that it is okay to be angry, but they must remain respectful. That may look like walking away so that they do not say something in anger. It may look like screaming to stop themselves from hitting. It may look like just yelling space- something our whole family understands is necessary to remain respectful at times of big feelings. After the anger is under control we reconnect and repair as needed. Rule two requires some sort of repair if somebody is treated with disrespect. They do not need to say sorry, but they need to take some action to make things right. We leave it up to each family member how they approach that task. We hope that it will give the children plenty of practice in making repairs now, so that as they encounter different people and situations as adults, they will understand how to repair rifts- and how sorry is simply not good enough.

Rule three covers just about everything else. We respect belongings, whether they are ours or somebody else’s. They are meant to be treated with respect, not damaged or misused. That applies to walls, art supplies, pets, cars, toys, and basically anything else they come across. I don’t really like considering live animals as belongings but technically that is what they are, and they do fit in this category. It is because of this rule that I am able to keep all of our art materials at toddler height even on days when I provide daycare and have six children under five in my home. They very quickly learn how to use those supplies respectfully. Supplies that are not used respectfully are put away. Not for long, whenever we leave a room, I reset it. So, the very next time the children enter that room they again have the opportunity to use that material respectfully. They also have the trust to do it. There have been three incidents total of children drawing on walls or furniture in the four years I have provided childcare. In each instance the child cleaned it, and then they never repeated the action. There was no drama, no anger, no punishment. Just a reminder of the rule and then we moved on.

So far, these rules are serving us well. I hope they can carry into the older child and teen years. I can see rule two applying to wanting to be out late and to modesty. I can see rule three applying to borrowing the car, or sharing make up (yuck!) I am very aware that there may need to be tweaks to the rules as time goes on but as it stands I think they are a great tool in our home. I suggest sitting down and coming up with your own (minimal) list of family rules as well. Make sure you know why you have them. Your toddler will ask you approximately three billion times, and having an answer is handy. Give yourself a break from inventing rules and reasons in the moment. It is much easier to have a few to refer to for you and for the littles as well. For my Christian readers I intend to follow this post up (hopefully soon!) on my Christian parenting page with the scripture that you can reference when discussing different aspects of the rules. I will also talk about the overarching rule that these three stem out of in our home.

Preemptive Discipline

by Chris | Mar 28, 2022 | Discipline, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

There is a lot more to discipline than just punishment or reaction to poor behavior after the fact. One of the easier discipline tools to implement and practice actually comes before any kind of misbehavior or emotional overwhelm. It is about equipping children with the tools they may need before situations arise that create big emotions. I suppose you could call it preemptive discipline. With my children and the children I have worked with over the years I have found one of the most effective types of preemptive discipline is providing information. Noticing trends and missteps, taking mental notes and then in neutral and unrelated moments supplying relevant information. It is up to the child what to do with that information, and it is best laid out conversationally and not as a lesson. I recently had an opportunity to have a conversation with Mr Man about the challenges and frustrations that come with playing video games. I had noticed some games he plays are causing some stress and tears lately. So during a neutral moment while we were eating a meal together screen free I slipped some information in there. “You know sometimes I notice myself getting so frustrated when I play my game. I just feel so tight inside my chest and tummy. Or sometimes I feel like my eyes are itchy an I want to rub them. That is when I know I need a few minutes to do something else. I noticed that when I take a breath or go get a snack, then that feeling goes away! Then I usually do so much better with my game when I come back!” There is not a direction for him to do the same, there is not an expectation of response just a sharing of information. I have found that this tool has helped with picky eating, with toilet learning, and with general emotional regulation.

In a similar vein to providing information I find providing alternate activities before situations arise can be immensely helpful. In our homeschool room I have set up a table with a box of tissues, a spinning toy, and some yoga cards and mats. Sometimes I bring out some breathing books, finger mazes, or pop its as well. This is a similar idea to the calm down corner that has become very popular, but rather than a focus on the emotions or on an adult guiding the children through their emotions I have provided a space where my children know some of their regulation tools live. When Little Miss starts getting really frustrated or overstimulated I often prompt her to strike a pose and will state an observation. “I noticed you are having a hard time waiting for your turn! Your hands keep wanting to touch that toy! What if we do a downward dog while you wait for your turn?” “Hmm, you are moving around a lot! I wonder if your body is telling you it needs some exercise. What should we do?” Lately she goes and sets up her yoga mat and does a few poses all on her own when she starts to feel the need to calm herself. These may seem like small things- providing information and providing preemptive alternatives but these small tools prevent a lot of bigger conflicts from even starting.

Spanking by Default

by Chris | Feb 8, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Discipline, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Of the many parenting conversations I have had over the years there is one moment that really sticks out to me. This is a moment of conversation when I felt so jarred, and so genuinely surprised that it made a profound impact on me. I think this conversation led to me making this site and to it’s name. Not By Default. It was during a meeting with my former Pastors as they attempted to convince me that spanking is a necessary parenting tool for all parents to use. I had said something along the lines of “How can we say spanking is necessary when we know it is harmful?” when I was cut of by both Pastors. “What do you mean harmful? Says who?” The reason it jarred me was because these were two well educated men, they took their professions seriously and as long as I had known them I believed that they generally held well researched opinions. I had assumed that their approach to parenting would have been just as well researched but instead they appeared to be parenting by default. The way that they had been parented and their book recommendations supported their default opinions. My response was not well put together, they could have just stated a firm belief in flat earth theory and I would not have been more surprised. “Says basically all the experts in fields related to children. There aren’t many who would disagree based on facts alone!” The conversation did not really go anywhere productive after that but it still haunts me. How could parents, who often believe they are doing the most important job of their lives not choose to read up on the impact their parenting may have? This is a question I really want to dig into over the next few weeks. This post is not going to be a deep dive in itself, but rather a series of questions that I would like to explore together.

First of all the big question take away from this experience. Is spanking harmful? I would also like to explore some of the objections people often make when they hear that spanking is potentially harmful to developing children. “I was spanked and I turned out fine”, but did you?. “Children need to know who is in charge”, isn’t this already clear? ” This is why children run wild these days, the jails are full of people who were not disciplined”, is that really true? The last question I will dig into is regarding the Book of Proverbs in the Bible, and I will be looking to find out if the Bible really commands parents to spank. I think given the tone of this post and the site in general you have likely guessed where I stand on this issue, but believe me this was not a default stance. I did a lot of reading, plenty of research, and talked to many parents along the way. I am excited to share all the answers that I have found satisfying soon!