Parenting Hacks | Not by Default

House Rules

by Chris | Oct 17, 2022 | Discipline, Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

When we bring sweet newborn babies home, we are rarely thinking about the rules we will expect them to follow. We are far too preoccupied with making sure they are fed, clean, and getting what we hope is an appropriate amount of sleep. Then as the newborn days fade and the reality of parenthood sets in we tend to set our sights on things like routines and milestones. After all that chubby little potato is not getting into any mischief at this point, they are still learning how to use their bodies and will. Then the toddler years come tearing through our lives before we have a chance to realize that this little person is changing faster than we are realizing. At this point many parents start to state rules and boundaries during periods of perceived mischief. No, you cannot touch the outlet. No, you may not touch my coffee. No, you cannot climb on the table. It can feel like it never ends. Sometimes we have done our research on how to speak to young children and those rules may sound more like this; oh, you want to climb. The table isn’t safe let’s climb on the couch. Instead of no running you may remember to say walking feet, or the quick and easy walk! These are better but in the mayhem of the toddler years sometimes it is easy to forget that this brand-new human being does not know the basis for these rules. They have no reason to think that it is dangerous, unethical, or unkind to do certain actions. They have impulses, and they act on them!

However, if you are stating rules left, right and centre and any of those rules happen to contradict you better believe that little person will notice. They will have to keep testing and pushing your boundaries to see what exactly the real expectation is in any given situation. Another thing to keep in mind is that for a toddler or a preschooler remembering a ton of rules for distinct situations is extremely challenging. They may not necessarily understand why they can walk and eat at home, but must remain seated at a restaurant. Why they can run inside the gym of their daycare, but must walk in every other indoor space. Why they do not need to wear pants at home, but they are required to wear them at their childminder’s house which to them, ideally feels like a second home. So then recognizing the confusion in the little person’s face many adults will attempt to explain their reasoning. We want to explain it well and so we use many words and perhaps some examples. For the toddler, who takes a little longer to process information than we may think, this wordiness is frustrating and more confusing. Imagine trying to enjoy playing a new board game, and the person you are playing with keeps stopping you to explain the why behind the rules. That game would soon lose its appeal, and your friend would be starting to get under your skin.

At this point I am sure you are wondering what my point in all of this really is. It is simple really, when your child is very young, still an infant ideally, sit down with every adult who lives in your home and decide upon a few house rules. The big umbrella rules that can cover all the little corrections you may need to make in the future. Rules that can last the entirety of the time this child spends under your roof. Rules that you can reference to that little baby touching the outlet, to the toddler, climbing the table, to the preschooler screaming no, and to the teenager sneaking out of the house. Rules that will become so well known and understood that you do not need to explain it each and every time. You can correct with less words, and older siblings can remember and use them with their younger siblings as well. In having fewer rules there are many benefits. One is that your child will not need to test quite as many boundaries, but believe me they will still test. Two, your child will be able to remember the rules from a much younger age, this does not mean that they have the ability to follow them- their brains are still quite immature! Three, it will encourage your child to consider for themselves why we behave the way that we do. It will encourage deeper and more considerate thought than relying on the adult to state the many different rules each day. Four, it will feel a lot less overwhelming. It is discouraging to be corrected constantly. It is disheartening to feel like you are always in the wrong. Having known and agreed upon rules can make that much less necessary. You can give subtler reminders rather than always correcting which empowers the child to remember the correct course of action. Lastly, and I think most importantly having agreed upon rules that do not change will ensure that your older child does not think your rules are arbitrary. A teenager who thinks that their parents are just making up rules to control them, or be mean is much less likely to respect their parents than a teen who has grown up with a set of consistent rules and expectations that have not changed. A bonus is that it is a lot less work on the adult to have another authority to point to. It will not work for the teens, but for the younger children simply telling them “The rule says” can be enough to make a child accept what you are saying with less fuss.

All of that being said I want to share the three house rules we have in our home.

1) We do our jobs. (This will be explained below)
2) We respect other people.
3) We respect belongings.

That is it. Those are the rules we run our home with and essentially every other correction or rule can fall under these three. As for the first rule I think I need to explain what those jobs are. For the children that means they do their job, which is to listen to mommy and daddy. I want to be clear here, I mean listen to what we are saying and engage with it. I do not mean obey our every command. It is expected that our children will listen to what we say, and they are welcome to discuss it with us respectfully. In some cases, they may need to obey as well, such as in a case of them neglecting a responsibility. In other cases, they may not need to, if we ask a favour, they are of course welcome to decline. We see their interactions with us here as a critical point for them to practice holding boundaries, negotiating, and compromising. We are the safest people for them to test those skills on, and it is our goal to empower them with those skills.

Rule one also applies to us adults. Our job is to teach our children, and do our best to keep them healthy and safe. So sometimes in order for us to do our job, and follow our own rules we need to override our toddler’s will. For example, if our toddler does not want to brush her teeth. We will remind her that our job is to keep her healthy, and brushing teeth helps keep her healthy. We give one opportunity for our toddler to cooperate after that reminder of the rules and then we gently do it for her, restraining her as gently as possible. Afterwards we empathize, hug, and reflect on what happened. We do not try to convince our children to do as we ask, we don’t bribe or threaten. We just remind them of their job, our jobs, and then do what is necessary as quickly as possible to get it over with. The longer it is drawn out, the more upsetting an ordeal it becomes.

Rule two covers a whole range of things. Instead of having to explain each and every time why we cannot push, bite, grab, or pull on another person we can point out that is not respectful to that person. Or if the situation is safe, we can ask, “does that choice seem respectful to that person?” It can easily be used in moments of attitude as well. “The way you said that felt disrespectful to me. Did you mean for it to be that way?” Often, I find my five-year-old did not intend any disrespect and he is flabbergasted when he is told it felt disrespectful. He often will correct himself and ask how he can say it more kindly. On the flip side the children expect that same amount of respect. I have had the humbling experience of having my five-year-old tell me, “I don’t like the way you are speaking to me. I think you need space”. He was right I was not being respectful. He felt safe enough, and empowered enough to recognize it and correct me. I apologized and adjusted the way I was speaking to him. Another interesting way we see this rule explored is through the expression of emotions. Especially anger. We often remind the children that it is okay to be angry, but they must remain respectful. That may look like walking away so that they do not say something in anger. It may look like screaming to stop themselves from hitting. It may look like just yelling space- something our whole family understands is necessary to remain respectful at times of big feelings. After the anger is under control we reconnect and repair as needed. Rule two requires some sort of repair if somebody is treated with disrespect. They do not need to say sorry, but they need to take some action to make things right. We leave it up to each family member how they approach that task. We hope that it will give the children plenty of practice in making repairs now, so that as they encounter different people and situations as adults, they will understand how to repair rifts- and how sorry is simply not good enough.

Rule three covers just about everything else. We respect belongings, whether they are ours or somebody else’s. They are meant to be treated with respect, not damaged or misused. That applies to walls, art supplies, pets, cars, toys, and basically anything else they come across. I don’t really like considering live animals as belongings but technically that is what they are, and they do fit in this category. It is because of this rule that I am able to keep all of our art materials at toddler height even on days when I provide daycare and have six children under five in my home. They very quickly learn how to use those supplies respectfully. Supplies that are not used respectfully are put away. Not for long, whenever we leave a room, I reset it. So, the very next time the children enter that room they again have the opportunity to use that material respectfully. They also have the trust to do it. There have been three incidents total of children drawing on walls or furniture in the four years I have provided childcare. In each instance the child cleaned it, and then they never repeated the action. There was no drama, no anger, no punishment. Just a reminder of the rule and then we moved on.

So far, these rules are serving us well. I hope they can carry into the older child and teen years. I can see rule two applying to wanting to be out late and to modesty. I can see rule three applying to borrowing the car, or sharing make up (yuck!) I am very aware that there may need to be tweaks to the rules as time goes on but as it stands I think they are a great tool in our home. I suggest sitting down and coming up with your own (minimal) list of family rules as well. Make sure you know why you have them. Your toddler will ask you approximately three billion times, and having an answer is handy. Give yourself a break from inventing rules and reasons in the moment. It is much easier to have a few to refer to for you and for the littles as well. For my Christian readers I intend to follow this post up (hopefully soon!) on my Christian parenting page with the scripture that you can reference when discussing different aspects of the rules. I will also talk about the overarching rule that these three stem out of in our home.

An Invitation to Play

by Chris | Aug 17, 2022 | Homeschool, Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers, Toddler, Toddler Activities, Toddler Environment

As a home childcare provider I find parents are often curious how I manage to get so much done in my home. I provide childcare, homeschool, write and have a large collection of plants and animals that I care for in my home. I am the one who primarily does the cooking and house work as well since I am the parent who has more time to do so, my husband works many more hours than I do. I was thinking about it this morning when a client was shocked that all three fish tanks in the house were mine. She asked how I manage everything. I think one of the most useful tools in my parenting (and childcare) arsenal has been the invitation to play. This is the tool that lets me get so much done each day. Many evenings before I settle down for the night I set out a few invitations to play. Something in my living room that will greet the children as they arrive (either my own two from upstairs or my clients on daycare days), something in my dining room to attract them while I prepare breakfast, and something in the playroom to draw the children in while I tidy and move us through that transition.

The strategic use of invitations to play has saved me so much time, energy and conflict. So what is it? It is exactly what it sounds like. Some call it strewing, literally strewing toys around to entice children, some call it a provocation to play (technically a little different but I use both) and as this post suggests some call it the invitation.

Take a few minutes to set out a few toys, art supplies, or even random household objects out in a play area (or another surprising area) to draw your child’s curiousity and provoke them to play. This morning I set a few blocks out in a row, put a few cars on top and then rested a baby doll at the end of my makeshift track. It took me two minutes to prepare, and bought me thirty minutes of play and giggles from my daughter and two daycare clients. By the time they finished playing and decided they were ready for breakfast, I was ready for them with a prepared meal. After breakfast they were ready to hop right into the bingo dabber and sticker art invitations that I had set out on trays on the floor around my dining room. While they explored the art materials I made myself a coffee and tidied up breakfast. Then we moved down to the playroom. Last night I had spent 5 minutes taping a picture of a washing machine to a tiny cupboard, filled a basket with doll clothes and hung a makeshift clothesline. The kids were thrilled when they discovered this invitation and played indepently while I drank my coffee and observed. This is just an example of a morning where I used a few different invitations to make my day run more smoothly. They can be used anywhere however. I have placed small dinosaur toys and pebbles out on our driveway near where we park. Conviently out of the way of where I need to carry groceries up to the house. My children are equally likely to either help me with the groceries or get drawn into that play area, but either way I have an easy and unhindered trip to bring the groceries in the house.

Similarly I have left a couple shovels in the front garden, just sticking out of the soil along with a pile of bush clippings. I have set paint and twigs out on my picnic table when I noticed some children are ready to head inside before others. Small starts to activities. Simple ideas or prompts that the children can develop. That is all it takes, a few minutes of planning and some strategic timing and placement. Let me know below if you are interested in hearing about some ideas for invitations or provocations to play.

Shopping Tips and Tricks

by Chris | Jun 13, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Shopping with young children tends to go two ways. Either everyone has a great time, and most of what needs to be accomplished is actually accomplished, or melt downs, power struggles, and frustration make the adult promise themselves never to do it again. I have had both experiences and I always end up doing it again. It seems hard to predict what kind of experience you will have, but there are some hacks to swing the likelihood of a positive experience in your favor.

This first point is not truly a hack, but rather a tip. Before choosing to take your child on a shopping trip evaluate their needs, and moods that day. If your child woke early, missed nap, and is bouncing of the walls- this is not the time to go shopping. They will crash soon enough and you will pay the price. If your child hasn’t eaten recently then make sure to provide a snack before you go, hanger and tiredness are two of the most common reasons for the shopping trip melt down. Some other things to consider beforehand are less obvious. Has your child had a good dose of your attention today? When we shop our attention is elsewhere and unless your child has already connected to you they will persistently try to win your attention. Has your child had the opportunity for movement today? Will they be tempted to get their energy out in the wide open spaces of a mall? Has your child had opportunities for choice, and a sense of autonomy today? A child being dragged along for errands who has not had any choice in how their day goes, or what they do in the day is a child who is stressed and will be easily triggered. It may seem silly to consider all of these points but if you do, and you address all these needs beforehand, it is likely you will have a great experience shopping. It does not need to be a huge endeavor either, stop by a park. Play a game of your child’s choice. After you both get a good dose of exercise and laughter in then give them a snack and head to the store. All of those needs can be addressed in ten minutes of play.

Toddlers can be a lot of fun but in stores they can be a real handful. Make sure you are clear on your expectations and boundaries before you shop, and be consistent. In my family the rule is that the children must remain within arms reach in the store at the toddler and preschool age. If they wander they get a reminder. If they do not return to us, or if they run then they go in the cart. End of story, there is no negotiation and we present this as a safety issue. They must stay with us to be safe. Since this has been the rule every single time since they started walking the children do not need to test the boundary. They know what the result will be, it never changes.

Remember that grocery shopping is a family errand, the children are part of the family and can contribute to the shopping. When they feel involved they are a lot more likely to cooperate. I like to ask my children before we shop if there is anything they would like to add to the list. As we shop I will read off the list and let them find the items and put them in the cart. For produce I help, and show them how to pick ripe and ready fruits and vegetables. For many products we have discussions about price, quality and quantity. At three Mr. Man decided he would rather a larger pack of store brand waffles, rather than the small pack of Paw Patrol waffles because he understood how to compare the price to the quantity of product and realized what the better deal was. This can be an amazing learning opportunity, and the children are kept engaged without needing to be entertained.

If your children start to get restless and whiny then try to fit in some time for them to browse. They don’t need to buy anything, but everyone likes the opportunity to browse items that interest them! If they become attached to the idea of purchasing something that you are not prepared to buy then offer to take a picture of it. Or write a note of it somewhere. Often just knowing that you are taking their desire seriously is enough for children to be satisfied and willing to leave the item behind. Just don’t promise to buy it next time unless you are prepared to buy it next time. They will remember, and if you don’t keep your word then they will not believe you in the future. I like to make more vague agreements like this, “That is really cool! You would love to buy that right? We don’t have the extra money to buy it today, but how about I take a picture so we can remember it for when we have extra money.” Alternatively have your child bring whatever money they have whether its allowance, birthday money, change they found etc and buy something within their own means. Learning about money really helps even young children understand that something fun cannot necessarily be bought at every shopping trip.

Let them help unload the shopping cart, help bag, and help load the cart back up. Instead of looking at all the candy displayed for impulse buying they will be busy working with you. My eldest also loves to be the one who swipes our cards, and since he is so focused on watching for that opportunity he barely even notices the candy.

There are many more hacks and tips that I plan to share in the future, but I hope this first set of shopping ideas will help on your next shopping trip!

All Weather Play

by Chris | Jun 6, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Preschool, Sensorial, Toddler

“There is no such thing as bad weather”. This is a statement I find all over different parenting and education sites and blogs. We know for a fact that the more time outdoors children have, the better. Outdoor spaces help children learn to balance and coordinate their movements, uneven ground and slopes are amazing teachers for learning how your body moves in space and for spatial awareness in general. Time outside is rich in sensorial experiences, there is so much to see, hear, smell, touch and regardless of the adults efforts to hinder it, taste. Fresh air and vitamin D from the sun on our skin is a mood booster, a sleep aid, and a rejuvenator. We think better and therefore learn better when we have an adequate amount of time to move our bodies, and be outdoors. These are all objectively positive things, but something that I find is not mentioned enough is that while it is true there is no such thing as bad weather (although perhaps there is potentially dangerous weather), there is a considerable amount of work that is involved in all weather outdoor play.

Getting tiny humans bundled up to go outside in the freezing cold winter, only to have them beg to come in ten minutes later can make it feel pointless. Wrapping them up in rain suits and rubber boots only to realize that each rainy day play potentially means a load of muddy and grassy laundry feels overwhelming. Spraying or rubbing in layer after layer of sunscreen knowing that every loose blade of grass and that the beloved sand in the sandbox is about to coat your children and require immediate bathing and floor cleaning can feel repulsive.

I provide home childcare a few days a week and on those days I know that the above applies not only to my own children but also to three or four additional tiny humans! There is significant work involved, and in some cases an actual workout (you work up a real sweat getting five to six toddlers bundled in snow gear!)

But here is the most important point in this whole post. It is worth it, and it is necessary! There are also so many learning experiences that can be involved even in just the dressing part, let alone the outdoor learning. In the winter there are plenty of opportunities to practice self dressing. We often spend longer getting dressed in the winter, than we do playing outside! This is the time to practice zippers, identifying which boot belongs to which foot, and learning to do the coat flip trick. Every time you go outside the children get to practice these skills, and generally they don’t enjoy the long dress up sessions either and are motivated to learn to do it independently!

After playing in some mud and puddles on a rainy day there is an opportunity for children to notice the mess in brings, to involve them in the laundry, the sweeping and the mopping. Toddlers and preschoolers generally love these activities, they learn a lot and it makes the entire experience an educational play time! Not just the part that we consider play time, but the part we consider work as well. Besides the rainy days are the best days to go observing worms and snails, and the birds that follow.

Those hot summer days can be made much easier by ending each play session with a sprinkler game, kiddie pool or hosing down. They may need a bath afterwards but there are ways to bundle bath time with either chores or play. Maybe they sit in the bath and have a popsicle while you relax and read. This is amazing for their nervous systems, is mess free, and gives you some downtime. Maybe before bringing them in squirt some dish soap all over the tub and shower walls and then throw the kids in with some scrub brushes. They will have a blast scrubbing the soap and making crazy, soapy foam and when they are done both the shower and the children are clean! It is safe, the kids enjoy it, and it knocks an annoying chore off the to do list. When my kids do this I just spray it down after they get out with a leave on shower cleanser and everything (and everyone) is left shiny clean and smelling great. I also find that summer picnics help cut down on the cleanup, if you know it will just be a brief lunch break before heading back outside why not eat outside and save the mess that will be tracked in? I like to set up a water dispenser for hand washing outside or we use the hose so that besides bathroom breaks we can spend the whole day outside.

Two more things I have been trying to work on as I attempt to add more and more all weather play to our days is better equipping myself, and letting go of the house mess. I realized that one of the big reasons I avoided winter play was because my kids were bundled up well, but I was always cold as I did not own snowpants. In rainy weather I felt like a soggy mess without effective rain boots. In the summer I was forgetting to reapply sunscreen and was a sore mess after a day of play. I have been working on better preparing myself for all weather play and seeing it as part of the Montessori adults work- to prepare the adult. Likewise I have been working on preparing the environment. I made some changes to where we dress and undress for outdoor play. Made it part of my daily routine whether or not we go out to vacuum and mop our entry ways and main floor. This change has allowed me to completely let go of the mess because I know that no matter what that space will be cleaned at the end of the day as it is everyday. This change has actually allowed for us to do a lot more messy play and art as well as the space we come in and out of is our dining room, which is also where our art shelf is set up. The dining room has become the “mess zone” where we make the most mess every day, but because it would need cleaning either way after meals it is not feeling like any extra work for me to maintain the space!

Prepare yourself, prepare your home, and take the kids outside no matter the weather. It is worth it for everyone involved!

Hacking Hydration

by Chris | Mar 22, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Sometimes there are inevitable battles that must be fought with young children. Try as we might to avoid power struggles, to prepare our environment for them, and to cultivate cooperation there are some issues that must be solved through less pleasant means. These are often health and hygiene related. Kids do not generally like to brush their teeth, or wash their hair but as the caregiver we must ensure that our children are taken care of. Teeth must be brushed, and hair must occasionally at least, be washed. Today I want to share a few hacks for a similar conflict I have faced many times with children- keeping them hydrated. It can be worrisome watching young children choose not to drink any water time and time again. Sometimes it is even more concerning if you are trying to have them drink a medicine or a supplement that you know will help them with a health concern like restoralax or pediasure. There are many routes you can go that are unpleasant all around like constant reminders, threats, punishments and force feeding while reassuring yourself that it is for their benefit- but I think that one of my hacks for getting children hydrated may serve you much better!

If you frequent a particular coffee shop often then ask them for a few extra cups to keep on hand. When your children are not drinking enough you can offer them their drink in a coffee cup ( or a Frappuccino cup). Children love to share in adult activities and will usually drink up. Make sure to make or buy yourself a drink as well so that it feels like an activity your are doing together.
So many things can become a popsicle. Yogurt, water, flavored water, juice, smoothies with hidden vegetables, I could go on. Many kids will happily eat a popsicle especially on a hot day. Take this to another level by offering them the popsicle in the bath. No mess, and they are less likely to get distracted and forget to eat the popsicle. It is extremely relaxing for the child to experience the warmth of the bath and the cold of the popsicle and will often have a positive impact on their mood. You get to relax and watch them sit in one place for a while. They may even drink some bath water while they are at it.
Make slushies or snow cones. Blend or crush up some ice and add a juice or syrup flavor to the ice. Eat with a spoon or drink it with a straw. Either way it makes it so much more fun for kids than plain old water.
Make a fruit salad. We can find a lot of hydration in juicy fruits like melons, mangos, and oranges. Sometimes it is a much easier way hydrate children. Throw some whipped cream and sprinkles on top to make it extra appealing.
Have a tea party. We do this regularly and dress up, set up a fancy table, and enjoy some kid safe teas. Children love to feel grown up drinking from tea cups and it really is a fun bonding time.
Make fruit juice together. Children enjoy being a part of the process and will often drink more of something that they have had a hand in making. Lemonade and orange juice are both a lot of fun to make together. (Secret bonus hack- Throw the leftover citrus fruit peels in a pot of water with some cinnamon and vanilla extract to make a delicious smelling simmer pot).
Make a child friendly sangria- carbonated water, juice, fruit and ice. It looks fancy, it tastes sweet and kids love it!
Make soup together for a meal. It will be nutritious, hydrating and delicious.
Make it an activity. I often leave a pitcher of water in my children’s kitchen alongside some cups. It is a subtle reminder and an invitation to practice pouring. Change up the cups and pitchers to different sizes and styles. Leave straws out, or stir sticks. leave out tiny spoons- as aggravating as it may be for some adults, many kids love to drink from a spoon.
My last suggestion is more of a tip than a hack. Model drinking what you want your children to drink. If they never see you drinking water then they will be much less likely to drink it themselves. Also model getting drinks for one another. If they see you often offering to get a drink for your significant other or guests then perhaps they will feel honored and included when the next time you go to get yourself a drink you ask them if they would like one too.

I hope one of these hacks or tips will be helpful for you and your little ones!