House Rules

House Rules

by | Oct 17, 2022 | Discipline, Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

When we bring sweet newborn babies home, we are rarely thinking about the rules we will expect them to follow. We are far too preoccupied with making sure they are fed, clean, and getting what we hope is an appropriate amount of sleep. Then as the newborn days fade and the reality of parenthood sets in we tend to set our sights on things like routines and milestones. After all that chubby little potato is not getting into any mischief at this point, they are still learning how to use their bodies and will. Then the toddler years come tearing through our lives before we have a chance to realize that this little person is changing faster than we are realizing. At this point many parents start to state rules and boundaries during periods of perceived mischief. No, you cannot touch the outlet. No, you may not touch my coffee. No, you cannot climb on the table. It can feel like it never ends. Sometimes we have done our research on how to speak to young children and those rules may sound more like this; oh, you want to climb. The table isn’t safe let’s climb on the couch. Instead of no running you may remember to say walking feet, or the quick and easy walk! These are better but in the mayhem of the toddler years sometimes it is easy to forget that this brand-new human being does not know the basis for these rules. They have no reason to think that it is dangerous, unethical, or unkind to do certain actions. They have impulses, and they act on them!
However, if you are stating rules left, right and centre and any of those rules happen to contradict you better believe that little person will notice. They will have to keep testing and pushing your boundaries to see what exactly the real expectation is in any given situation. Another thing to keep in mind is that for a toddler or a preschooler remembering a ton of rules for distinct situations is extremely challenging. They may not necessarily understand why they can walk and eat at home, but must remain seated at a restaurant. Why they can run inside the gym of their daycare, but must walk in every other indoor space. Why they do not need to wear pants at home, but they are required to wear them at their childminder’s house which to them, ideally feels like a second home. So then recognizing the confusion in the little person’s face many adults will attempt to explain their reasoning. We want to explain it well and so we use many words and perhaps some examples. For the toddler, who takes a little longer to process information than we may think, this wordiness is frustrating and more confusing. Imagine trying to enjoy playing a new board game, and the person you are playing with keeps stopping you to explain the why behind the rules. That game would soon lose its appeal, and your friend would be starting to get under your skin.
At this point I am sure you are wondering what my point in all of this really is. It is simple really, when your child is very young, still an infant ideally, sit down with every adult who lives in your home and decide upon a few house rules. The big umbrella rules that can cover all the little corrections you may need to make in the future. Rules that can last the entirety of the time this child spends under your roof. Rules that you can reference to that little baby touching the outlet, to the toddler, climbing the table, to the preschooler screaming no, and to the teenager sneaking out of the house. Rules that will become so well known and understood that you do not need to explain it each and every time. You can correct with less words, and older siblings can remember and use them with their younger siblings as well. In having fewer rules there are many benefits. One is that your child will not need to test quite as many boundaries, but believe me they will still test. Two, your child will be able to remember the rules from a much younger age, this does not mean that they have the ability to follow them- their brains are still quite immature! Three, it will encourage your child to consider for themselves why we behave the way that we do. It will encourage deeper and more considerate thought than relying on the adult to state the many different rules each day. Four, it will feel a lot less overwhelming. It is discouraging to be corrected constantly. It is disheartening to feel like you are always in the wrong. Having known and agreed upon rules can make that much less necessary. You can give subtler reminders rather than always correcting which empowers the child to remember the correct course of action. Lastly, and I think most importantly having agreed upon rules that do not change will ensure that your older child does not think your rules are arbitrary. A teenager who thinks that their parents are just making up rules to control them, or be mean is much less likely to respect their parents than a teen who has grown up with a set of consistent rules and expectations that have not changed. A bonus is that it is a lot less work on the adult to have another authority to point to. It will not work for the teens, but for the younger children simply telling them “The rule says” can be enough to make a child accept what you are saying with less fuss.
All of that being said I want to share the three house rules we have in our home.

1) We do our jobs. (This will be explained below)
2) We respect other people.
3) We respect belongings.

That is it. Those are the rules we run our home with and essentially every other correction or rule can fall under these three. As for the first rule I think I need to explain what those jobs are. For the children that means they do their job, which is to listen to mommy and daddy. I want to be clear here, I mean listen to what we are saying and engage with it. I do not mean obey our every command. It is expected that our children will listen to what we say, and they are welcome to discuss it with us respectfully. In some cases, they may need to obey as well, such as in a case of them neglecting a responsibility. In other cases, they may not need to, if we ask a favour, they are of course welcome to decline. We see their interactions with us here as a critical point for them to practice holding boundaries, negotiating, and compromising. We are the safest people for them to test those skills on, and it is our goal to empower them with those skills.

Rule one also applies to us adults. Our job is to teach our children, and do our best to keep them healthy and safe. So sometimes in order for us to do our job, and follow our own rules we need to override our toddler’s will. For example, if our toddler does not want to brush her teeth. We will remind her that our job is to keep her healthy, and brushing teeth helps keep her healthy. We give one opportunity for our toddler to cooperate after that reminder of the rules and then we gently do it for her, restraining her as gently as possible. Afterwards we empathize, hug, and reflect on what happened. We do not try to convince our children to do as we ask, we don’t bribe or threaten. We just remind them of their job, our jobs, and then do what is necessary as quickly as possible to get it over with. The longer it is drawn out, the more upsetting an ordeal it becomes.

Rule two covers a whole range of things. Instead of having to explain each and every time why we cannot push, bite, grab, or pull on another person we can point out that is not respectful to that person. Or if the situation is safe, we can ask, “does that choice seem respectful to that person?” It can easily be used in moments of attitude as well. “The way you said that felt disrespectful to me. Did you mean for it to be that way?” Often, I find my five-year-old did not intend any disrespect and he is flabbergasted when he is told it felt disrespectful. He often will correct himself and ask how he can say it more kindly. On the flip side the children expect that same amount of respect. I have had the humbling experience of having my five-year-old tell me, “I don’t like the way you are speaking to me. I think you need space”. He was right I was not being respectful. He felt safe enough, and empowered enough to recognize it and correct me. I apologized and adjusted the way I was speaking to him. Another interesting way we see this rule explored is through the expression of emotions. Especially anger. We often remind the children that it is okay to be angry, but they must remain respectful. That may look like walking away so that they do not say something in anger. It may look like screaming to stop themselves from hitting. It may look like just yelling space- something our whole family understands is necessary to remain respectful at times of big feelings. After the anger is under control we reconnect and repair as needed. Rule two requires some sort of repair if somebody is treated with disrespect. They do not need to say sorry, but they need to take some action to make things right. We leave it up to each family member how they approach that task. We hope that it will give the children plenty of practice in making repairs now, so that as they encounter different people and situations as adults, they will understand how to repair rifts- and how sorry is simply not good enough.

Rule three covers just about everything else. We respect belongings, whether they are ours or somebody else’s. They are meant to be treated with respect, not damaged or misused. That applies to walls, art supplies, pets, cars, toys, and basically anything else they come across. I don’t really like considering live animals as belongings but technically that is what they are, and they do fit in this category. It is because of this rule that I am able to keep all of our art materials at toddler height even on days when I provide daycare and have six children under five in my home. They very quickly learn how to use those supplies respectfully. Supplies that are not used respectfully are put away. Not for long, whenever we leave a room, I reset it. So, the very next time the children enter that room they again have the opportunity to use that material respectfully. They also have the trust to do it. There have been three incidents total of children drawing on walls or furniture in the four years I have provided childcare. In each instance the child cleaned it, and then they never repeated the action. There was no drama, no anger, no punishment. Just a reminder of the rule and then we moved on.

So far, these rules are serving us well. I hope they can carry into the older child and teen years. I can see rule two applying to wanting to be out late and to modesty. I can see rule three applying to borrowing the car, or sharing make up (yuck!) I am very aware that there may need to be tweaks to the rules as time goes on but as it stands I think they are a great tool in our home. I suggest sitting down and coming up with your own (minimal) list of family rules as well. Make sure you know why you have them. Your toddler will ask you approximately three billion times, and having an answer is handy. Give yourself a break from inventing rules and reasons in the moment. It is much easier to have a few to refer to for you and for the littles as well. For my Christian readers I intend to follow this post up (hopefully soon!) on my Christian parenting page with the scripture that you can reference when discussing different aspects of the rules. I will also talk about the overarching rule that these three stem out of in our home.
Changing Days

Changing Days

by | Oct 11, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

My first baby is a month away from his fifth birthday. It is impossible to imagine a life without this this spunky little man, but it also seems impossible to understand how these past five years have moved by so quickly. I remember being reminded that the nights were long but the years were quick while scrolling forums during late night nursing sessions. I remember counting down the minutes until my husband would get home, and I would have another adult to talk to. I remember how long some of those early days felt. Somewhere along the way I found my footing and stopped stumbling through the days, and instead began running. Systemizing everything, making most of my life easy to live through on autopilot. We eat at set times, play at set times, and sleep at set times. Sure we threw an adventure to the zoo or park in between these routine days of monotony but for the most part as my baby grew into a toddler we developed a pretty set routine. Then just before baby two was born the pandemic struck. I marvelled at how not much had changed during the pandemic. Our routine stayed pretty similar although we were missing out on our visits with family and physically attending church. Our day to day, our play, and our meals stayed relatively unchanged. The problem is that when you are running through life it is hard to stop and notice the small but amazing things all around you.

Over the course of the pandemic I, like so many others, considered my life. I realized that I needed to be more engaged, and less routined. There was a definite balance that I needed to find, and at the same time I knew routine was still crucial for my young kids. The first thing I changed was my mobility. At thirty one years old I finally started driving, and it opened up a huge new world for me and my kids. The second thing I changed was my work situation. Pre pandemic I was working full time and a home daycare provider. Post pandemic I had started working only two full days a week. I still felt like the balance was not quite right and considered my work options. I have now switched to five half days a week offering a preschool program from my home. My kids and I have a reason to get up at the same time every day, our mornings look relatively the same day to day (with different children attending) and we engage in a lot of play and planned activities. After lunch our daycare friends head home and I am left with the afternoon to homeschool, and adventure with my children. This is an area we are still struggling to manage well, transitioning out of nap times, balancing outings with chores and errands. Figuring out how much school is right for us in this season.

What I have noticed since making these changes is that our days do not blend together as much anymore. I feel like I am seeing more, experiencing more of our day to day life. I think the balance I am searching for between change and routine is similar to the changing seasons. I want our days to be predictable enough that we are comfortable and not anxious, but change enough that we notice the end of one and start of another. Some things I want to try in the coming months to help me keep things fresh and engaging are as follows:

1) I want to change my decor more often. Even if it means just sewing some new covers for my cushions, and painting some new art to hang on the walls. I have noticed that whenever I decorate for fall or Christmas there is a sense of excitement and my kids and I comment on and soak up the changes. There are beautiful seasons and changes happening in nature from month to month, and I want to try to embrace those changes in my home. Rotate our throw blankets to match different couch cushions, hang themed art work, put out different centrepieces that we can create together. Small and simple changes that will help us mark changing time.

2) I want to try more seasonal cooking. Rather than eating the same meals week after week, I am going to embark on a cooking adventure and try encorporating more seasonal foods and dishes.

3) I may bring themes back to my homeschool and daycare days. I find the kids find the themes exciting, and while they are more work on my side of things, the reward outweighs the cost I believe.

4) Plan more seasonally appropriate adventures. There is always a feeling of loss when summer comes to an end. I find we try to squeeze so much into the warm days and then the rest of the year we wait. This year I want to squeeze as much as we want into each season. Fall hikes, winter beach trips with cocoa, and dancing in the spring rain. Finding ways to embrace every season and enjoy them, rather than watching them drift by as we run through our routines.

Anyways that is it for my reflection this morning, hopefully at this time next year as my sons sixth birthday approaches I will be able to sit back and reflect on how much we soaked up the time together, Noticed the day to day life, savoured it, and walked unrushed together through our daily lives.

“You do it”

“You do it”

by | Aug 19, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Yesterday I posted about my approach to the toddler refrain, “Me do it”. Today I want to touch on the opposite statement that I have been hearing often from my four year old. “You do it”. Lately he has been asking for help with things he is fully capable of doing. He asks for help with his shoes which he has managed independently for three years. He asks for help getting snacks that he has been prepping for himself for two years. He asks for help bathing which he has been doing mostly independently for nearly a year now.

Additionally I have noticed that often when I ask him to do things for me that he replys, “no you do it”. I mention this separately because I think this is a very different situation.

When he asks me for help with things he already knows how to do, I see it as a bid for connection and care. He seems a little intimidated by the increasing challenges that are coming with his getting older. He sees me spending a lot of time helping Little Miss with her toileting. He sees me doing her hair every morning. He sees me teaching her how to put her shoes on. He sees me bathe her and the giggles and games that accompany each of these instances. He dresses himself and brushes his hair, he uses the bathroom fully independently. He does not have these care moments of connection that we used to have together. Simultaneously our expectations of him have increased. We know he can keep his space clean, so we expect it. We know he can brush his own teeth, and we expect it from him.

When I noticed the increase in asking for help I realized that he needed reassurance. Reassurance that he is still our little boy, that we are still there to care for him, and that we care just as much about him as his little sister. I have been operating under the principle that if I know he has mastered a task, and he asks me for help that I will help him unless I am absolutely unable to. He knows how to get dressed, he won’t lose the ability if I help him pull a shirt over his head. He knows how to wash his hair, he won’t lose that ability by me doing it for him a few times. What he gains from these acts is confidence that I am still there to care for him- no different than making my husband a coffee as a way to show I care. Just becaure a child is capable, it doesn’t mean in every circumstance that we should force independence. It seems to be a two steps forward, one step back kind of situation. A child runs towards independence, then they become frightened by the responsibility and freedom it entails, and run back towards the caregiver for reassurance before venturing towards independence once again.

Now the other circumstance I mentioned I see very differently. When I ask Mr Man to do something for me and he says, “no you do it”, I think it can be coming from two different root causes. Determining which it is I think is really important. Sometimes I ask him to do something for me that is a favour, asking me to grab a clean shirt for his sister for instance. He has every right to say, “no”. Just like when he asks me for favours, I have every right to say, “no”. Usually in this situation I accept his response and do it myself. Usually however he is very willing to help me out. The other circumstance I am much less thrilled about. When he is asked or reminded to do something that is his job, (pick up his toys, put laundry in the hamper etc) and he says no because he doesn’t feel like it. When I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is about being lazy, not about needing to be shown care.

When this happens I remind him of household expectations. I also employ logical consequences. He didn’t clean his room after himself earlier in the day, it needs to be cleaned before bed. We go upstairs at bedtime and find the mess and discover we will not have time for a bedtime story by the time his room is cleaned up. He drops food on the ground at a meal and refuses to pick it up, well I can do it but I may do it really slowly. It may take way longer for us to head out to the park than planned. We will still go but we will likely have less play time there because the time alotted was used up in doing the task for him.

I want my kids to know that I love to help them with things. I value their independence, but I also value that connection. The juggling act is making sure that they do not feel entitled to my help, or feel I should do everything for them. I want them to learn responsibility after all! I think experiencing both sides of this scenario with Little Miss wanting less help, and Mr Man wanting more has been invaluble to me. I am learning a lot more about observing them closely and noticing the nuances.

Me Do It

Me Do It

by | Aug 18, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Toddlers

“Me do it”. As a Montessori homeschooler these words are music to my ears. As a parent who occassionally just really needs to have tasks done in a sane amount of time these same words can be an alarm. It is a warning to back off, or face the big feelings that will accompany the breach of boundaries. Little Miss has been going through a really big “me do it” stage lately. She wants to self dress, brush her own teeth, do her own hair, do her own laundry, buckle herself in the car and in one case swim unaccompanied (she cannot swim). So as a parent who attempts to be respectful of children’s boundaries, and teach them that they have bodily autonomy how do we address the cases where we have no choice but to push past the boundary? How do we decide when it is non negotiable?

In our home we have set the expectation very clearly from day one. It is the parents job to make sure our kids are safe and healthy. So whenever our child’s boundary gets in the way of us keeping them healthy or safe we kindly but firmly explain what needs to happen, and then do it. So for example when my toddler wants to buckle herself in the car but she cannot tighten the straps well enough independently. I will tell her yes I know you want to do it, you can do the clips. My job is to keep you safe and now I am going to tighten the straps. I do not negotiate or try to explain myself, I just say what will happen and do it quickly. Any feelings that follow are totally fair! She can be upset, angry, sad and I will sit with those feelings and empathize. But it never changes what needs to happen. The longer we argue about it, or I try to convince her it is necessary the less confident I will seem, and the less able to accept the action that needs to happen. Children respond well to confident leadership, just like adults do.

Try to imagine your boss tells you that they will be overseeing a part of your project that you expected to be working on indepently. You may be a little annoyed with them. Now imagine they tell you that, but then waste your time explaining why they must do this, and how you are a great worker, and they are so sorry, and they understand how you feel. I don’t know about you but that situation seems much more frustrating to me than the original approach. If they are being honest in that second scenario then they would not need to oversee that part of your project. You would be much more likely to accept their confident input, over their cajoling.

It is important to let children express their own boundaries, but it is equally as important to confidently express, and maintain yours.

“Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.” – Maria Montessori

I think this quote may be a source of some of the confusion, which is why I think it is important to note that she also says this:

“Any unnecessary help given to a child is a hindrance to development” -Maria Montessori

Any unnecessay help. Sometimes a child may feel they can succeed at something independently, but it may be entirely necessary to help, like in the example of my daughter wanting to swim alone. She felt she could succeed, she wanted to try it alone. It was also very necessary to be there beside her as she has little experience with water and cannot swim.

So what it all comes down to is that every time you need to decide whether or not you can step back and allow your child to do it themselves really depends on the circumstances. It is a matter of whether or not your help is absolutely necessary.

An Invitation to Play

An Invitation to Play

by | Aug 17, 2022 | Homeschool, Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers, Toddler, Toddler Activities, Toddler Environment

As a home childcare provider I find parents are often curious how I manage to get so much done in my home. I provide childcare, homeschool, write and have a large collection of plants and animals that I care for in my home. I am the one who primarily does the cooking and house work as well since I am the parent who has more time to do so, my husband works many more hours than I do. I was thinking about it this morning when a client was shocked that all three fish tanks in the house were mine. She asked how I manage everything. I think one of the most useful tools in my parenting (and childcare) arsenal has been the invitation to play. This is the tool that lets me get so much done each day. Many evenings before I settle down for the night I set out a few invitations to play. Something in my living room that will greet the children as they arrive (either my own two from upstairs or my clients on daycare days), something in my dining room to attract them while I prepare breakfast, and something in the playroom to draw the children in while I tidy and move us through that transition.
The strategic use of invitations to play has saved me so much time, energy and conflict. So what is it? It is exactly what it sounds like. Some call it strewing, literally strewing toys around to entice children, some call it a provocation to play (technically a little different but I use both) and as this post suggests some call it the invitation.

Take a few minutes to set out a few toys, art supplies, or even random household objects out in a play area (or another surprising area) to draw your child’s curiousity and provoke them to play. This morning I set a few blocks out in a row, put a few cars on top and then rested a baby doll at the end of my makeshift track. It took me two minutes to prepare, and bought me thirty minutes of play and giggles from my daughter and two daycare clients. By the time they finished playing and decided they were ready for breakfast, I was ready for them with a prepared meal. After breakfast they were ready to hop right into the bingo dabber and sticker art invitations that I had set out on trays on the floor around my dining room. While they explored the art materials I made myself a coffee and tidied up breakfast. Then we moved down to the playroom. Last night I had spent 5 minutes taping a picture of a washing machine to a tiny cupboard, filled a basket with doll clothes and hung a makeshift clothesline. The kids were thrilled when they discovered this invitation and played indepently while I drank my coffee and observed. This is just an example of a morning where I used a few different invitations to make my day run more smoothly. They can be used anywhere however. I have placed small dinosaur toys and pebbles out on our driveway near where we park. Conviently out of the way of where I need to carry groceries up to the house. My children are equally likely to either help me with the groceries or get drawn into that play area, but either way I have an easy and unhindered trip to bring the groceries in the house.

Similarly I have left a couple shovels in the front garden, just sticking out of the soil along with a pile of bush clippings. I have set paint and twigs out on my picnic table when I noticed some children are ready to head inside before others. Small starts to activities. Simple ideas or prompts that the children can develop. That is all it takes, a few minutes of planning and some strategic timing and placement. Let me know below if you are interested in hearing about some ideas for invitations or provocations to play.

Chaos

by | Aug 16, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Toddlers

I want to share a moment from my parenting adventure that really made me realize the insensity of this whole parenting thing. I honestly did not find babyhood all that challenging the first time around. Sure I was exhausted, breastfeeding hurt, and there was a learning curve to understanding my kids cues. Overall I had not found the first year of motherhood all that difficult. I remember joking with another mom that the most challenging thing so far was learning to clip that squrimy baby’s nails. I still hate clipping their nails.

Anyways there was an evening when my son was around fourteen or fifteen months old when my husband was going to be home later than he usually was, he was guessing ten or eleven. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to binge a series that he was not a huge fan of and thought maybe I could put my son down to bed a little early. I flew through dinner and clean up pretty smoothly, gave my tot a fun bubble bath, took a quick shower myself and then settled him down in bed. After nursing for a few minutes I kissed him goodnight and got myself ready for a little Netflix binge.

I had just sat down when I heard my son fussing. It was unusual for him because at this point he generally went right to sleep after I said good night. The fussing continued so I went upstairs to see what was going on, he seemed upset and since he was on a floor bed I snuggled on down next to him and asked what was wrong. He turned to look at me and promptly threw up. It went all over my face, my hair, and my shirt. It was on my hands and I even wiped it away from my eyes. The worst part was that it went in my mouth. No actually it gets worse. In the heat of the moment with my son bawling and me in absolute shock I went to pick him up. I remember it going in my mouth but I have zero recollection of what I did with it. I like to believe I didn’t swallow it but I will never actually know. Every time I remember this moment I feel a little sick to my stomach.

So, there I was trying to console my vomit covered toddler while ignoring the fact that I too was puke covered. After he calmed down a little I stripped us both and we took a really thorough shower together. He was cranky and tired at this point so it was no easy feat! After our shower I had just finished getting dressed and getting Mr man dressed when I suddenly had to sneeze. Now there are lots of jokes about moms crossing their legs to sneeze after they have had babies. There is a good reason for that, my pelvic floor was not as strong as it was before my kid was born. Well it happened. I sneezed, and it was actually multiple sneezes in a row. I realized immediately that I would need another shower because I had forgotten to cross my legs to sneeze. A mistake I will never make again.

So after my third shower of the evening I was ready to try the whole bedtime thing again. I brought Mr man to his room and realized that in my rush to clean us up I had forgotten something. I still had a vomit covered bed to clean up. I changed the sheets quickly and started a load of laundry. Everything was done now and all that was left was bedtime itself.

I think most parents are familiar with what happens when young children are up well past their bedtimes. First they are tired and cranky, then they are overtired and hyper. Eventually a crash comes, but at this point in my story my one year old was in full overtired and hyper mode. He was running and yelling and had absolutely no intention of going back to bed. It was at this point my husband arrived home. I gave him a brief overview of the evening and then he took over bedtime for me.

I went downstairs, sat on the couch and stared at the paused Netflix show. I reflected on what had just happened and all I could think was, ” I must have spat it out”.

This event was the one that made me realize that all the quotes, stories, and jokes about parenting being really hard were very true. What I had experienced up until that point had been hard sure, but not the absurd type of hard. The type of hard that makes you want to laugh, and cry, and hide all at once. That was the kind I experienced that night, and have experienced many times since, especially since adding a second child to the mix.

Please share your stories of parenting moments that made you feel this way below, I think we all need to know that we are not alone in the wierd, amazing, funny, exhausting, mind numbing and stressful chaos of parenthood.