Christian Parenting | Not by Default

“Children need to know who is in charge”

by Chris | Oct 19, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Discipline, Parenting

Another argument that I mentioned in my introduction to this series is as follows, “children need to know who is in charge” and the arguer is often trying to make the case that you must use punitive, and often physical discipline to make sure that the children understand this point well.

Here is the problem with that argument. Even if you never punish a child, even if you never correct them, even if you do nothing to enforce this point, your child knows. They recognize their vulnerability. It is part of the reason why siblings compete for attention and resources. That competitor is a threat to their relationship with their provider. A child knows when they are too small to reach something. They recognize that they cannot drive a car or wipe their own bottom. They may know what they want to eat, but they do not know how to acquire and prepare it.

Older children who are becoming more competent and independent still recognize that they need help in their day to day lives. They naturally look to their adults for that leadership. It is their job to push back, to test limits, and to break rules. This is how they learn where they fit into their social structure, and in the ideally safe space of their home they can navigate ethics and rule breaking and the consequences. It doesn’t change that they know they are not in charge.
Even the teenager in the height of their rebellion and fight for independence desperately needs to know that they have the unconditional connection to their adults. They know they are not the ones paying all the bills, and they are likely still afraid to schedule their own doctors’ appointments. No matter how they try to throw off the power of authority over them they still recognize that it is there. They are still driven to please those adults that they hold in the highest esteem and ideally those adults would be their parents.

So, then my response to that initial argument that, “children need to know who is in charge” is simple. They already do. Now how are you going to hold onto that authority and respect? How are you going to keep their trust? Manipulation, behaviorism, and physical shows of power will not strengthen your authority. It will just keep your child in line until they realize that they can overpower you. It may keep them in line in front of you, but they will not trust your judgement for what they do when you are not looking. They will not trust you with their secrets and failures because you have created a relationship that is unbalanced in power and respect.
They know you are in charge, and you know you are in charge. The much more important question is what will you do with that power?

“I was spanked, and I turned out fine!”

by Chris | Oct 18, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Discipline, Parenting

A while back I made an introductory post regarding the topic of spanking and discussed my plans to dive deeper into the subject matter. I had listed a number of common objections people make when they are defending the use of spanking in the parenting of young children. I think the most common response I have heard is this, “I was spanked, and I turned out fine.” or along similar lines, “Spanking taught me respect and I thank my parents for that”. It is a tough statement to argue because with that one statement the objector has made this argument personal, and subjective all at once. No matter how much data you mention, studies you cite, or ethical arguments you make the objector can simply restate that they are proof that it is fine. No harm was done, and it is safe to repeat. I think the problem is that people who advocate against spanking so often focus on the data and the studies (that are numerous and very easy to access by the way) and dodge the argument that is being made. They do not want to say that no you did not turn out fine. No, you experienced trauma. No, you do not understand your own experience and I feel confident in invalidating that experience. That would be cruel and dishonest. However, in saying that they turned out fine, and therefor spanking is fine the objector is also invalidating the experiences of others. The experiences of many.

So here is where I stand on this particular argument. It is not the place of any one individual to discredit or ignore somebody else’s experience and argue from a place of subjective opinions. However, when somebody is making an emotional and subjective claim that they believe trumps any objective claims it needs to be disarmed before you can continue with an objective and fruitful conversation. The common advice in discussions is to argue the objective with the subjective and vice versa. This is a more unique argument in my opinion. When you are criticizing a parenting technique then a few possibilities arise no matter how respectful you attempt to be. First the listener may have used that technique in the past, and may feel judged or attacked. This will not leave much room for a good conversation. Secondly, this technique may have been used by the listener’s parents. In this case they may feel you are criticizing their parents, and in cases where that parent is sick or has passed those emotions, and the defensiveness may be all that much stronger. We tend to remember or paint people in a better light as they become more vulnerable. Thirdly, they could recognize truth in your words. They may resonate with some of the research and that can definitely strike a nerve if a person is not ready to face those feelings. So, whatever the case, it is very likely that the conversation will become emotional once this argument is made.

Once somebody is on the defense about a particular choice then they are waiting for any misstep, any perceived trap, any thing you may use against them. This is just not productive, and not helpful or encouraging to anyone. So rather than get into the research in this post (that will be for another day) or dive into the arguments for why they probably are not entirely okay, or suggesting that anyone should invalidate anyone else’s experience I would like to suggest a number of questions. Questions that are meant to understand the other person better. They are not meant to disarm or argue. They are simply meant to open up the discussion a little more and get everyone off of the defensive and into a real conversation.

1) You seem to be remembering your childhood fondly! What was it like?
2) What were your parents like?
3) What were you like as a kid?
4) What are your parents like now?
5) How are they with your children?
6) Have you ever thanked them for the way they parented you?
7) Do you think they have regrets?
8) So, you said you spank like your parents did, do you do other things the same also?
9) Are there things you wouldn’t do like your parents?
10) Did you ever have a really bad teacher?

These are just a few conversation movers. I am listing them as ideas for how to propel a conversation away from an argument but still have childhood be remembered in a more accurate manner. We tend to skew things when remembering our past, but sometimes while recounting certain situations other memories come to the forefront as well. The last question about the bad teacher is one that I find people become very animated in discussing. We remember the adults who wronged us as children, and often in fantastic detail. I have also noticed that when people recount their bad teacher experiences it goes hand in hand with how their parents reacted to their experience at school. Again, this is not a trap. If they suddenly remember that their parents treated them poorly in a certain situation, or that they were perhaps not as perfect as they originally tried to argue it does not need to be pointed out. It is much more powerful to say nothing. To just listen. To show them the same respect that we advocate for on behalf of young children.

Ultimately when somebody says that they turned out fine there is absolutely nothing you can (or should) say to prove them wrong. It really is a case of your word, against their word. And maybe they really did turn out amazing! Still, any kind of reflection on childhood, on remembering the way it feels to be a child, the way helplessness feels. The way powerlessness feels. Any connection with their inner child so to speak can only work to help in moving past that argument and into much more productive conversation.

Changing Days

by Chris | Oct 11, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

My first baby is a month away from his fifth birthday. It is impossible to imagine a life without this this spunky little man, but it also seems impossible to understand how these past five years have moved by so quickly. I remember being reminded that the nights were long but the years were quick while scrolling forums during late night nursing sessions. I remember counting down the minutes until my husband would get home, and I would have another adult to talk to. I remember how long some of those early days felt. Somewhere along the way I found my footing and stopped stumbling through the days, and instead began running. Systemizing everything, making most of my life easy to live through on autopilot. We eat at set times, play at set times, and sleep at set times. Sure we threw an adventure to the zoo or park in between these routine days of monotony but for the most part as my baby grew into a toddler we developed a pretty set routine. Then just before baby two was born the pandemic struck. I marvelled at how not much had changed during the pandemic. Our routine stayed pretty similar although we were missing out on our visits with family and physically attending church. Our day to day, our play, and our meals stayed relatively unchanged. The problem is that when you are running through life it is hard to stop and notice the small but amazing things all around you.

Over the course of the pandemic I, like so many others, considered my life. I realized that I needed to be more engaged, and less routined. There was a definite balance that I needed to find, and at the same time I knew routine was still crucial for my young kids. The first thing I changed was my mobility. At thirty one years old I finally started driving, and it opened up a huge new world for me and my kids. The second thing I changed was my work situation. Pre pandemic I was working full time and a home daycare provider. Post pandemic I had started working only two full days a week. I still felt like the balance was not quite right and considered my work options. I have now switched to five half days a week offering a preschool program from my home. My kids and I have a reason to get up at the same time every day, our mornings look relatively the same day to day (with different children attending) and we engage in a lot of play and planned activities. After lunch our daycare friends head home and I am left with the afternoon to homeschool, and adventure with my children. This is an area we are still struggling to manage well, transitioning out of nap times, balancing outings with chores and errands. Figuring out how much school is right for us in this season.

What I have noticed since making these changes is that our days do not blend together as much anymore. I feel like I am seeing more, experiencing more of our day to day life. I think the balance I am searching for between change and routine is similar to the changing seasons. I want our days to be predictable enough that we are comfortable and not anxious, but change enough that we notice the end of one and start of another. Some things I want to try in the coming months to help me keep things fresh and engaging are as follows:

1) I want to change my decor more often. Even if it means just sewing some new covers for my cushions, and painting some new art to hang on the walls. I have noticed that whenever I decorate for fall or Christmas there is a sense of excitement and my kids and I comment on and soak up the changes. There are beautiful seasons and changes happening in nature from month to month, and I want to try to embrace those changes in my home. Rotate our throw blankets to match different couch cushions, hang themed art work, put out different centrepieces that we can create together. Small and simple changes that will help us mark changing time.

2) I want to try more seasonal cooking. Rather than eating the same meals week after week, I am going to embark on a cooking adventure and try encorporating more seasonal foods and dishes.

3) I may bring themes back to my homeschool and daycare days. I find the kids find the themes exciting, and while they are more work on my side of things, the reward outweighs the cost I believe.

4) Plan more seasonally appropriate adventures. There is always a feeling of loss when summer comes to an end. I find we try to squeeze so much into the warm days and then the rest of the year we wait. This year I want to squeeze as much as we want into each season. Fall hikes, winter beach trips with cocoa, and dancing in the spring rain. Finding ways to embrace every season and enjoy them, rather than watching them drift by as we run through our routines.

Anyways that is it for my reflection this morning, hopefully at this time next year as my sons sixth birthday approaches I will be able to sit back and reflect on how much we soaked up the time together, Noticed the day to day life, savoured it, and walked unrushed together through our daily lives.

Spanking by Default

by Chris | Feb 8, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Discipline, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Of the many parenting conversations I have had over the years there is one moment that really sticks out to me. This is a moment of conversation when I felt so jarred, and so genuinely surprised that it made a profound impact on me. I think this conversation led to me making this site and to it’s name. Not By Default. It was during a meeting with my former Pastors as they attempted to convince me that spanking is a necessary parenting tool for all parents to use. I had said something along the lines of “How can we say spanking is necessary when we know it is harmful?” when I was cut of by both Pastors. “What do you mean harmful? Says who?” The reason it jarred me was because these were two well educated men, they took their professions seriously and as long as I had known them I believed that they generally held well researched opinions. I had assumed that their approach to parenting would have been just as well researched but instead they appeared to be parenting by default. The way that they had been parented and their book recommendations supported their default opinions. My response was not well put together, they could have just stated a firm belief in flat earth theory and I would not have been more surprised. “Says basically all the experts in fields related to children. There aren’t many who would disagree based on facts alone!” The conversation did not really go anywhere productive after that but it still haunts me. How could parents, who often believe they are doing the most important job of their lives not choose to read up on the impact their parenting may have? This is a question I really want to dig into over the next few weeks. This post is not going to be a deep dive in itself, but rather a series of questions that I would like to explore together.

First of all the big question take away from this experience. Is spanking harmful? I would also like to explore some of the objections people often make when they hear that spanking is potentially harmful to developing children. “I was spanked and I turned out fine”, but did you?. “Children need to know who is in charge”, isn’t this already clear? ” This is why children run wild these days, the jails are full of people who were not disciplined”, is that really true? The last question I will dig into is regarding the Book of Proverbs in the Bible, and I will be looking to find out if the Bible really commands parents to spank. I think given the tone of this post and the site in general you have likely guessed where I stand on this issue, but believe me this was not a default stance. I did a lot of reading, plenty of research, and talked to many parents along the way. I am excited to share all the answers that I have found satisfying soon!