Parenting Toddlers | Not by Default

Updating the Montessori Toddlers Bedroom

by Chris | Jun 14, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Toddlers, Toddler Environment

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A common discussion in many online Montessori communities surrounds how to prepare a toddlers bedroom in a Montessori manner. The comments are flooded withy pictures of Instagram perfect floor beds shaped like little houses and majority of the time the floor bed becomes the focal point of the conversation. It is true that in the Montessori home there will most likely be a floor bed in the toddlers bedroom, however it would have likely been there long before toddler hood. Something that seems to be forgotten about is the reason for the floor bed. The reason we should be setting up any piece of furniture in a young child’s bedroom. For the child to be able to independently access and use their furniture as they need to. I have seen comments asking if it was too late to move a five year old to a floor bed, or lamenting how their two year old screams to go back in the crib and I think in both cases the main point is being missed. You are doing this for the benefit of the child. A five year old will not benefit from moving their twin bed down to the floor, they can already access their bed just fine. A two year old who has been in a crib all his life, and who is a very strong period for order will be very shaken up if his sleeping arrangements are suddenly changed without his knowledge, understanding, or consent. I love the use of a floor bed, used them with both my children but it is really not about the bed, it is about making the bed accessible and useable. It is mostly for infants and young toddlers. I actually moved my son into a regular twin bed at twenty one months because he was already familiar with the boundaries of a bed and was a really tall guy. He was much more comfortable on a regular height bed, and he could access it just fine. It did not make his room any less Montessori based.

Ideally a child would start on a Montessori floor bed before they are mobile. Like this they become comfortable and learn to sleep on the bed before they learn to exercise the freedom that the bed affords them. It also means that the room is not changed up just when a child is becoming very sensitive to order and changes. Young toddlers do not usually like things to be changed on them, they also need to test boundaries and explore. This is not a great age to experiment with floor beds without understanding that it will come with some sleepless nights and frustration! If you do decide to change up a child’s room at this age, include them. Tell them what and why you are are changing things around. Have them help set it up, help clean it up. Surprising them often will be more negative than anything. If they are accustomed to cribs do not disassemble it until you know they are comfortable! We recently made a few small changes to Little Miss’s room as she is getting older (she just turned two!) We involved her in the changes, both my children helped set up her wardrobe, install her new lamp, and remove some of the toys she had outgrown. At the end of our efforts both children were proud and excited to use the space. I packed away the old toys in her closet just in case she suddenly felt the need to have them back and they will remain there a couple of months until I am sure she can part with them.

My main point in the post is just to remember the why. Why are you doing this? How can you make sure this goes as smoothly as possible? How can your child be involved in decisions and changes regarding their life?

Shopping Tips and Tricks

by Chris | Jun 13, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Shopping with young children tends to go two ways. Either everyone has a great time, and most of what needs to be accomplished is actually accomplished, or melt downs, power struggles, and frustration make the adult promise themselves never to do it again. I have had both experiences and I always end up doing it again. It seems hard to predict what kind of experience you will have, but there are some hacks to swing the likelihood of a positive experience in your favor.

This first point is not truly a hack, but rather a tip. Before choosing to take your child on a shopping trip evaluate their needs, and moods that day. If your child woke early, missed nap, and is bouncing of the walls- this is not the time to go shopping. They will crash soon enough and you will pay the price. If your child hasn’t eaten recently then make sure to provide a snack before you go, hanger and tiredness are two of the most common reasons for the shopping trip melt down. Some other things to consider beforehand are less obvious. Has your child had a good dose of your attention today? When we shop our attention is elsewhere and unless your child has already connected to you they will persistently try to win your attention. Has your child had the opportunity for movement today? Will they be tempted to get their energy out in the wide open spaces of a mall? Has your child had opportunities for choice, and a sense of autonomy today? A child being dragged along for errands who has not had any choice in how their day goes, or what they do in the day is a child who is stressed and will be easily triggered. It may seem silly to consider all of these points but if you do, and you address all these needs beforehand, it is likely you will have a great experience shopping. It does not need to be a huge endeavor either, stop by a park. Play a game of your child’s choice. After you both get a good dose of exercise and laughter in then give them a snack and head to the store. All of those needs can be addressed in ten minutes of play.

Toddlers can be a lot of fun but in stores they can be a real handful. Make sure you are clear on your expectations and boundaries before you shop, and be consistent. In my family the rule is that the children must remain within arms reach in the store at the toddler and preschool age. If they wander they get a reminder. If they do not return to us, or if they run then they go in the cart. End of story, there is no negotiation and we present this as a safety issue. They must stay with us to be safe. Since this has been the rule every single time since they started walking the children do not need to test the boundary. They know what the result will be, it never changes.

Remember that grocery shopping is a family errand, the children are part of the family and can contribute to the shopping. When they feel involved they are a lot more likely to cooperate. I like to ask my children before we shop if there is anything they would like to add to the list. As we shop I will read off the list and let them find the items and put them in the cart. For produce I help, and show them how to pick ripe and ready fruits and vegetables. For many products we have discussions about price, quality and quantity. At three Mr. Man decided he would rather a larger pack of store brand waffles, rather than the small pack of Paw Patrol waffles because he understood how to compare the price to the quantity of product and realized what the better deal was. This can be an amazing learning opportunity, and the children are kept engaged without needing to be entertained.

If your children start to get restless and whiny then try to fit in some time for them to browse. They don’t need to buy anything, but everyone likes the opportunity to browse items that interest them! If they become attached to the idea of purchasing something that you are not prepared to buy then offer to take a picture of it. Or write a note of it somewhere. Often just knowing that you are taking their desire seriously is enough for children to be satisfied and willing to leave the item behind. Just don’t promise to buy it next time unless you are prepared to buy it next time. They will remember, and if you don’t keep your word then they will not believe you in the future. I like to make more vague agreements like this, “That is really cool! You would love to buy that right? We don’t have the extra money to buy it today, but how about I take a picture so we can remember it for when we have extra money.” Alternatively have your child bring whatever money they have whether its allowance, birthday money, change they found etc and buy something within their own means. Learning about money really helps even young children understand that something fun cannot necessarily be bought at every shopping trip.

Let them help unload the shopping cart, help bag, and help load the cart back up. Instead of looking at all the candy displayed for impulse buying they will be busy working with you. My eldest also loves to be the one who swipes our cards, and since he is so focused on watching for that opportunity he barely even notices the candy.

There are many more hacks and tips that I plan to share in the future, but I hope this first set of shopping ideas will help on your next shopping trip!

Preemptive Discipline

by Chris | Mar 28, 2022 | Discipline, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

There is a lot more to discipline than just punishment or reaction to poor behavior after the fact. One of the easier discipline tools to implement and practice actually comes before any kind of misbehavior or emotional overwhelm. It is about equipping children with the tools they may need before situations arise that create big emotions. I suppose you could call it preemptive discipline. With my children and the children I have worked with over the years I have found one of the most effective types of preemptive discipline is providing information. Noticing trends and missteps, taking mental notes and then in neutral and unrelated moments supplying relevant information. It is up to the child what to do with that information, and it is best laid out conversationally and not as a lesson. I recently had an opportunity to have a conversation with Mr Man about the challenges and frustrations that come with playing video games. I had noticed some games he plays are causing some stress and tears lately. So during a neutral moment while we were eating a meal together screen free I slipped some information in there. “You know sometimes I notice myself getting so frustrated when I play my game. I just feel so tight inside my chest and tummy. Or sometimes I feel like my eyes are itchy an I want to rub them. That is when I know I need a few minutes to do something else. I noticed that when I take a breath or go get a snack, then that feeling goes away! Then I usually do so much better with my game when I come back!” There is not a direction for him to do the same, there is not an expectation of response just a sharing of information. I have found that this tool has helped with picky eating, with toilet learning, and with general emotional regulation.

In a similar vein to providing information I find providing alternate activities before situations arise can be immensely helpful. In our homeschool room I have set up a table with a box of tissues, a spinning toy, and some yoga cards and mats. Sometimes I bring out some breathing books, finger mazes, or pop its as well. This is a similar idea to the calm down corner that has become very popular, but rather than a focus on the emotions or on an adult guiding the children through their emotions I have provided a space where my children know some of their regulation tools live. When Little Miss starts getting really frustrated or overstimulated I often prompt her to strike a pose and will state an observation. “I noticed you are having a hard time waiting for your turn! Your hands keep wanting to touch that toy! What if we do a downward dog while you wait for your turn?” “Hmm, you are moving around a lot! I wonder if your body is telling you it needs some exercise. What should we do?” Lately she goes and sets up her yoga mat and does a few poses all on her own when she starts to feel the need to calm herself. These may seem like small things- providing information and providing preemptive alternatives but these small tools prevent a lot of bigger conflicts from even starting.

Following Big Brother

by Chris | Mar 22, 2022 | Homeschool, Parenting, Parenting Toddlers, Toddler, Toddler Activities, Toddler Environment

Younger siblings tend to want to do whatever they see their older siblings doing. Little Miss is no different in this respect. Everything she sees her big brother doing or enjoying she immediately wants a turn. It has been forcing me to be extra creative in our school planning. Mr. Man has been doing plenty of work recently that is well beyond the scope of his twenty one month old sister. He is cooking, sewing, and cutting with scissors. He is working with materials for multiplication and division and exploring fractions. Little Miss is still working on one to one correspondence and transferring. She is by no means ready for that world of work. This puts me in a bit of a pickle. I do not tend to tell my children they cannot do something because of their age, that is too discouraging. I also do not like for them to explore materials that I know are too challenging and will lead to frustration and again, discouragement. So instead I have been observing what she seems interested in trying and figuring out ways to tweak the activities for her. One activity that she has been fascinated by is cutting with scissors. Mr. Man has been using papers with patterns to work on his scissoring skills and gluing his work in a notebook so that he can see his progress. Little Miss wanted a turn, and her own book but she does not at all have the fine motor skills required for traditional scissors. I decided to provide her with a pair of loop scissors and switched out the paper for cardstock. The cardstock is less floppy which mean she can generally get a snip in no matter how she holds it. I also cut the cardstock in to strips about half the width of the scissor blade so that I could be sure that most snips would successfully cut off a piece of cardstock. The children have been working on their scissoring every day the past week and they are both incredibly proud of their work.

Another recently coveted material has been the math beads. I understand the appeal, they are a beautiful material and her big brother gets so much joy from them. I adjusted a few of the materials for her to use. These are not appropriate adjustments in a Montessori classroom, but in our Montessori homeschool I think they serve us just fine. For the golden beads I created a new presentation for her to just arrange the beads from smallest to biggest on a mat. She is very capable of this activity and it looks similar enough to what her brother is doing that she doesn’t seem too bothered that I have left the number cards out of her reach. With the multiplication and division boards I likewise removed the numbered parts ( the tiles and equation cards) and left her with just the boards and beads. She uses them as a fine motor activity placing the beads in the holes. Lastly we have our colored beads from 1-9 which we have been using as a color sorting activity. With these alternate lessons I taught Little Miss I can leave all these materials on the shelf and know that both my children are benefitting and enjoying the materials. When I begin to see hints that Little Miss is ready to use these materials in the way for which they were designed I plan to put them away for a few months. I suspect we have a few years until that time comes which gives Mr. Man time to finish with the materials. After they have been put in storage for some time I will pull them out and reintroduce them to Little Miss using the intended presentation. I still have quite a few other materials to tweak in the next little while but I enjoy the challenge, and my children enjoy the benefits.

Hacking Hydration

by Chris | Mar 22, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Hacks, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Sometimes there are inevitable battles that must be fought with young children. Try as we might to avoid power struggles, to prepare our environment for them, and to cultivate cooperation there are some issues that must be solved through less pleasant means. These are often health and hygiene related. Kids do not generally like to brush their teeth, or wash their hair but as the caregiver we must ensure that our children are taken care of. Teeth must be brushed, and hair must occasionally at least, be washed. Today I want to share a few hacks for a similar conflict I have faced many times with children- keeping them hydrated. It can be worrisome watching young children choose not to drink any water time and time again. Sometimes it is even more concerning if you are trying to have them drink a medicine or a supplement that you know will help them with a health concern like restoralax or pediasure. There are many routes you can go that are unpleasant all around like constant reminders, threats, punishments and force feeding while reassuring yourself that it is for their benefit- but I think that one of my hacks for getting children hydrated may serve you much better!

If you frequent a particular coffee shop often then ask them for a few extra cups to keep on hand. When your children are not drinking enough you can offer them their drink in a coffee cup ( or a Frappuccino cup). Children love to share in adult activities and will usually drink up. Make sure to make or buy yourself a drink as well so that it feels like an activity your are doing together.
So many things can become a popsicle. Yogurt, water, flavored water, juice, smoothies with hidden vegetables, I could go on. Many kids will happily eat a popsicle especially on a hot day. Take this to another level by offering them the popsicle in the bath. No mess, and they are less likely to get distracted and forget to eat the popsicle. It is extremely relaxing for the child to experience the warmth of the bath and the cold of the popsicle and will often have a positive impact on their mood. You get to relax and watch them sit in one place for a while. They may even drink some bath water while they are at it.
Make slushies or snow cones. Blend or crush up some ice and add a juice or syrup flavor to the ice. Eat with a spoon or drink it with a straw. Either way it makes it so much more fun for kids than plain old water.
Make a fruit salad. We can find a lot of hydration in juicy fruits like melons, mangos, and oranges. Sometimes it is a much easier way hydrate children. Throw some whipped cream and sprinkles on top to make it extra appealing.
Have a tea party. We do this regularly and dress up, set up a fancy table, and enjoy some kid safe teas. Children love to feel grown up drinking from tea cups and it really is a fun bonding time.
Make fruit juice together. Children enjoy being a part of the process and will often drink more of something that they have had a hand in making. Lemonade and orange juice are both a lot of fun to make together. (Secret bonus hack- Throw the leftover citrus fruit peels in a pot of water with some cinnamon and vanilla extract to make a delicious smelling simmer pot).
Make a child friendly sangria- carbonated water, juice, fruit and ice. It looks fancy, it tastes sweet and kids love it!
Make soup together for a meal. It will be nutritious, hydrating and delicious.
Make it an activity. I often leave a pitcher of water in my children’s kitchen alongside some cups. It is a subtle reminder and an invitation to practice pouring. Change up the cups and pitchers to different sizes and styles. Leave straws out, or stir sticks. leave out tiny spoons- as aggravating as it may be for some adults, many kids love to drink from a spoon.
My last suggestion is more of a tip than a hack. Model drinking what you want your children to drink. If they never see you drinking water then they will be much less likely to drink it themselves. Also model getting drinks for one another. If they see you often offering to get a drink for your significant other or guests then perhaps they will feel honored and included when the next time you go to get yourself a drink you ask them if they would like one too.

I hope one of these hacks or tips will be helpful for you and your little ones!

Stop Overthinking It!

by Chris | Feb 12, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting Toddlers, Practical Life DIY, Toddler, Toddler Activities

It can be easy to get swept away by all the beautiful Instagram pictures of shelves perfectly curated for children. To see blogs about homeschooling families who have a morning tea time with poetry daily. To compare yourself to these families with the expensive but authentic materials. I see it often on different social media platforms- “All my toddler wants to do is open and close this cupboard. What activity can I make or purchase to encourage this skill?” My suggestion is to let them open and close the cupboard. Let them find ways to engage with their environment that are meaningful to them! It is not a planned or purchased activity, but it is still valuable to the child otherwise they would not be repeating it. This is just one example but there are many others that are similar, children doing harmless activities and parents wanting to replicate that action with a toy. Children are not limited to educational toys to play and learn. Everything that they interact with throughout the day provides information. Whether it is sensory information, or cause and effect observations or even activities like self feeding which practice fine and gross motor skills as well as engaging the child’s proprioceptive skills.

The other day my daughter wanted to draw with Mr Mans gel pens but she could not get the caps off. I wanted a few minutes to myself to drink my coffee and read the news so when she interrupted me for help the third time I realized that I needed to adjust the accessibility for her. I removed all the caps from the pens and let her continue drawing while I read. Afterwards I cleaned up from breakfast and as I was tidying I noticed the pens were nearly all capped. Not only that she had matched all the colors on the lids to the pens. Color sorting has been a big interest for Little Miss lately so I was happy to see that she had discovered her own color match activity. I was also amused to see that her paper looked very similar to how it looked before I uncapped all the pens, she had lost interest in the drawing itself. I probably could have jumped in and made it into a whole color identifying lesson (had I been paying attention) but that would have likely robbed her of that self chosen activity, the pride of accomplishing it, and very likely could have ended the activity prematurely.

I want to share one other example of an opportunity to overthink it and my simple but effective solution. I needed to prepare dinner and Little Miss was underfoot. Normally I would invite her to help but on this day she had no interest in helping and just wanted me to carry her. Not an option at that time unfortunately. She wanted to be near me and I knew I needed her engaged in something if I was to get anything accomplished. So I scanned the room and noticed her toy teapot on the floor. A minute later she was happily seated with her tea set practicing pouring water (a skill I was trying to work on often with her) while I prepped dinner a few feet away. I did not need anything fancy, it was not planned. It was just using what we had on hand in a way I knew would distract her. This activity actually drew Mr Man in as well and kept both children engaged for half an hour.

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