“Me do it”. As a Montessori homeschooler these words are music to my ears. As a parent who occassionally just really needs to have tasks done in a sane amount of time these same words can be an alarm. It is a warning to back off, or face the big feelings that will accompany the breach of boundaries. Little Miss has been going through a really big “me do it” stage lately. She wants to self dress, brush her own teeth, do her own hair, do her own laundry, buckle herself in the car and in one case swim unaccompanied (she cannot swim). So as a parent who attempts to be respectful of children’s boundaries, and teach them that they have bodily autonomy how do we address the cases where we have no choice but to push past the boundary? How do we decide when it is non negotiable?

In our home we have set the expectation very clearly from day one. It is the parents job to make sure our kids are safe and healthy. So whenever our child’s boundary gets in the way of us keeping them healthy or safe we kindly but firmly explain what needs to happen, and then do it. So for example when my toddler wants to buckle herself in the car but she cannot tighten the straps well enough independently. I will tell her yes I know you want to do it, you can do the clips. My job is to keep you safe and now I am going to tighten the straps. I do not negotiate or try to explain myself, I just say what will happen and do it quickly. Any feelings that follow are totally fair! She can be upset, angry, sad and I will sit with those feelings and empathize. But it never changes what needs to happen. The longer we argue about it, or I try to convince her it is necessary the less confident I will seem, and the less able to accept the action that needs to happen. Children respond well to confident leadership, just like adults do.

Try to imagine your boss tells you that they will be overseeing a part of your project that you expected to be working on indepently. You may be a little annoyed with them. Now imagine they tell you that, but then waste your time explaining why they must do this, and how you are a great worker, and they are so sorry, and they understand how you feel. I don’t know about you but that situation seems much more frustrating to me than the original approach. If they are being honest in that second scenario then they would not need to oversee that part of your project. You would be much more likely to accept their confident input, over their cajoling.

It is important to let children express their own boundaries, but it is equally as important to confidently express, and maintain yours.

“Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.” – Maria Montessori

I think this quote may be a source of some of the confusion, which is why I think it is important to note that she also says this:

“Any unnecessary help given to a child is a hindrance to development” -Maria Montessori

Any unnecessay help. Sometimes a child may feel they can succeed at something independently, but it may be entirely necessary to help, like in the example of my daughter wanting to swim alone. She felt she could succeed, she wanted to try it alone. It was also very necessary to be there beside her as she has little experience with water and cannot swim.

So what it all comes down to is that every time you need to decide whether or not you can step back and allow your child to do it themselves really depends on the circumstances. It is a matter of whether or not your help is absolutely necessary.