“I was spanked, and I turned out fine!”

A while back I made an introductory post regarding the topic of spanking and discussed my plans to dive deeper into the subject matter. I had listed a number of common objections people make when they are defending the use of spanking in the parenting of young children. I think the most common response I have heard is this, “I was spanked, and I turned out fine.” or along similar lines, “Spanking taught me respect and I thank my parents for that”. It is a tough statement to argue because with that one statement the objector has made this argument personal, and subjective all at once. No matter how much data you mention, studies you cite, or ethical arguments you make the objector can simply restate that they are proof that it is fine. No harm was done, and it is safe to repeat. I think the problem is that people who advocate against spanking so often focus on the data and the studies (that are numerous and very easy to access by the way) and dodge the argument that is being made. They do not want to say that no you did not turn out fine. No, you experienced trauma. No, you do not understand your own experience and I feel confident in invalidating that experience. That would be cruel and dishonest. However, in saying that they turned out fine, and therefor spanking is fine the objector is also invalidating the experiences of others. The experiences of many.

So here is where I stand on this particular argument. It is not the place of any one individual to discredit or ignore somebody else’s experience and argue from a place of subjective opinions. However, when somebody is making an emotional and subjective claim that they believe trumps any objective claims it needs to be disarmed before you can continue with an objective and fruitful conversation. The common advice in discussions is to argue the objective with the subjective and vice versa. This is a more unique argument in my opinion. When you are criticizing a parenting technique then a few possibilities arise no matter how respectful you attempt to be. First the listener may have used that technique in the past, and may feel judged or attacked. This will not leave much room for a good conversation. Secondly, this technique may have been used by the listener’s parents. In this case they may feel you are criticizing their parents, and in cases where that parent is sick or has passed those emotions, and the defensiveness may be all that much stronger. We tend to remember or paint people in a better light as they become more vulnerable. Thirdly, they could recognize truth in your words. They may resonate with some of the research and that can definitely strike a nerve if a person is not ready to face those feelings. So, whatever the case, it is very likely that the conversation will become emotional once this argument is made.

Once somebody is on the defense about a particular choice then they are waiting for any misstep, any perceived trap, any thing you may use against them. This is just not productive, and not helpful or encouraging to anyone. So rather than get into the research in this post (that will be for another day) or dive into the arguments for why they probably are not entirely okay, or suggesting that anyone should invalidate anyone else’s experience I would like to suggest a number of questions. Questions that are meant to understand the other person better. They are not meant to disarm or argue. They are simply meant to open up the discussion a little more and get everyone off of the defensive and into a real conversation.

1) You seem to be remembering your childhood fondly! What was it like?
2) What were your parents like?
3) What were you like as a kid?
4) What are your parents like now?
5) How are they with your children?
6) Have you ever thanked them for the way they parented you?
7) Do you think they have regrets?
8) So, you said you spank like your parents did, do you do other things the same also?
9) Are there things you wouldn’t do like your parents?
10) Did you ever have a really bad teacher?

These are just a few conversation movers. I am listing them as ideas for how to propel a conversation away from an argument but still have childhood be remembered in a more accurate manner. We tend to skew things when remembering our past, but sometimes while recounting certain situations other memories come to the forefront as well. The last question about the bad teacher is one that I find people become very animated in discussing. We remember the adults who wronged us as children, and often in fantastic detail. I have also noticed that when people recount their bad teacher experiences it goes hand in hand with how their parents reacted to their experience at school. Again, this is not a trap. If they suddenly remember that their parents treated them poorly in a certain situation, or that they were perhaps not as perfect as they originally tried to argue it does not need to be pointed out. It is much more powerful to say nothing. To just listen. To show them the same respect that we advocate for on behalf of young children.

Ultimately when somebody says that they turned out fine there is absolutely nothing you can (or should) say to prove them wrong. It really is a case of your word, against their word. And maybe they really did turn out amazing! Still, any kind of reflection on childhood, on remembering the way it feels to be a child, the way helplessness feels. The way powerlessness feels. Any connection with their inner child so to speak can only work to help in moving past that argument and into much more productive conversation.