Parenting | Not by Default

Spanking by Default

by Chris | Feb 8, 2022 | Christian Parenting, Discipline, Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Parenting Toddlers

Of the many parenting conversations I have had over the years there is one moment that really sticks out to me. This is a moment of conversation when I felt so jarred, and so genuinely surprised that it made a profound impact on me. I think this conversation led to me making this site and to it’s name. Not By Default. It was during a meeting with my former Pastors as they attempted to convince me that spanking is a necessary parenting tool for all parents to use. I had said something along the lines of “How can we say spanking is necessary when we know it is harmful?” when I was cut of by both Pastors. “What do you mean harmful? Says who?” The reason it jarred me was because these were two well educated men, they took their professions seriously and as long as I had known them I believed that they generally held well researched opinions. I had assumed that their approach to parenting would have been just as well researched but instead they appeared to be parenting by default. The way that they had been parented and their book recommendations supported their default opinions. My response was not well put together, they could have just stated a firm belief in flat earth theory and I would not have been more surprised. “Says basically all the experts in fields related to children. There aren’t many who would disagree based on facts alone!” The conversation did not really go anywhere productive after that but it still haunts me. How could parents, who often believe they are doing the most important job of their lives not choose to read up on the impact their parenting may have? This is a question I really want to dig into over the next few weeks. This post is not going to be a deep dive in itself, but rather a series of questions that I would like to explore together.

First of all the big question take away from this experience. Is spanking harmful? I would also like to explore some of the objections people often make when they hear that spanking is potentially harmful to developing children. “I was spanked and I turned out fine”, but did you?. “Children need to know who is in charge”, isn’t this already clear? ” This is why children run wild these days, the jails are full of people who were not disciplined”, is that really true? The last question I will dig into is regarding the Book of Proverbs in the Bible, and I will be looking to find out if the Bible really commands parents to spank. I think given the tone of this post and the site in general you have likely guessed where I stand on this issue, but believe me this was not a default stance. I did a lot of reading, plenty of research, and talked to many parents along the way. I am excited to share all the answers that I have found satisfying soon!

Not Just Shelf Work

by Chris | Feb 7, 2022 | Homeschool, Parenting, Preschool, Toddler

Often when people hear the word Montessori, or are new to Montessori they tend to place a lot of focus and energy on the appearance of their shelves. Curating a beautiful and functional indoor space is wonderful but it is even more important to make sure you spend plenty of time outdoors! As Maria Montessori said, “Let the children be free; encourage them; let them run outside when it is raining; let them remove their shoes when they find a puddle of water; and, when the grass of the meadows is damp with dew, let them run on it and trample it with their bare feet; let them rest peacefully when a tree invites them to sleep beneath it’s shade; let them shout and laugh when the sun wakes them in the morning as it wakes every living creature that divides its day between waking and sleeping.” This quote sounds very different than the conversations often had in Montessori online communities where the focus is so often on cute tray work, and getting a child to do their activities “correctly”. When you are having a tough day with a child then head outside. It is almost guaranteed to help both you and your child feel and do better. If your child is struggling to focus then go outside, save the shelf work for after a good chunk of fresh air and freedom to make big movements. If it is really cold out then bundle up, throw some Vaseline or Burts bees on those little cheeks and go for a brief walk. If it is too hot out then bring some spray bottles, turn on a hose, or fill a big container for a makeshift pool or water transfer game. It doesn’t need to be a long time spent outside in the tough weather, but putting a bigger focus on getting outside than on the shelves can make a positive difference in everyone’s day!

Toddler Responsibilities

by Chris | Feb 5, 2022 | Parenting Toddlers, Toddler, Toddler Activities, Toddler Environment

Toddlers can sometimes get a bad rep. Sure they are impulsive and generally loud but they are also incredibly willing to help. I have never seen anyone react with as much excitement and positivity as a toddler when invited to participate in chores around their home. In basically every household chore there is a way to include a toddler who wishes to help. It will be worth the extra time and effort to invite them to join you as often as feasible. I want to discuss different household chores and ways they can be modified to include even young toddlers.

Cooking

The easiest way to include toddlers in the kitchen is to invite them to wash your fruits and vegetables. Make it even more fun and through by including a scrub brush for them to use for potatoes and carrots. For the actual food prep start slow, both my children started with peeling half a banana. This task requires careful movement but does not require any tools so it is a great introduction and confidence booster as they will likely be successful. Some other great starter activities are dry pouring- think pouring their cereal in their bowl, or pouring dry ingredients into a recipe. Follow this up with the more challenging wet pouring. Having a small pitcher of water and a cup available throughout the day is an excellent way for them to regularly practice this skill. There are some lovely crinkle cutters available that can be a safe introduction to cutting soft foods. I will be doing a post recommending some of my favorite cooking implements for children soon.

Cleaning

This is an area of learning that will have so many opportunities throughout the day that we often do not even realize it. There are the obvious tasks of having your child help with tidying their toys, but there are also so many other cleaning tasks that toddlers will take great pride in accomplishing. Wiping the counter with a damp cloth after they brush their teeth. Checking for and wiping any droplets after using the toilet. Hanging up their own towel after a bath. These are just a few examples of ways toddlers can contribute in the bathroom first thing in the morning. Try thinking about what you do for your toddler during your routine and consider if they can do it for themselves (if they want to, don’t invite power struggles) or if they can help. Do you put their laundry in the basket? Or their diaper in the bin? While you are sweeping, what is your toddler doing? When you clean furniture would your toddler enjoy using a damp cloth to wipe furniture as well? Does your toddler have the hand strength to operate a spray bottle? Window washing, wiping down a table and wiping up a spill are all toddler favorites because they include water- which generally fascinates small children. You can get expensive cleaning toy kits meant for children but I do not recommend these as they often come with parts that are not functional and are really just toys. I like going to dollar stores and checking out the small brooms, dusters and mops they often stock there. You can also find spray bottles and squeegees at dollar stores to complete your child sized cleaning supplies collection. A real game changer in our house has been the addition of a cordless vacuum. Now whenever we have a spill or a mess after dinner I can count on either my toddler or my preschooler happily cleaning it up unprompted as they no longer need help operating the vacuum. Another great task to teach a toddler is how to scrape their plate and put it in the designated area. I actually forgot to teach this to Little Miss and was surprised one day when the table was clear because she had the opportunity while I had stepped away and she had been observing the rest of the family do it for her whole life.

Laundry

Most children I have worked with love to participate in laundry work. Putting clothes and detergents in the machine, pulling them back into a basket, hanging them to dry. These are all so much fun for children but also engage so many skills! These are excellent learning opportunities and doing them with your toddler means not having to do them during your downtime while the children sleep. As they become able it is also great to include them in folding and matching things like socks and cloths. I like to play a put away game with my children where I fold clothes as quickly as I can on my bed and they grab armfuls of clothes and try to put them away before I fold another pile. They burn of energy, clothes are put away, and the work is shared! It is also a good idea to include children in sorting through clothes that no longer fit (they may miss a favorite article and this makes it easier to understand) and in restocking wardrobes with the next size up.

Plant Care

This is Little Miss’s favorite activity these days. She waters my plants a tiny bit everyday right now, and I monitor to make sure they are not over watered or forgotten about. She is twenty months old now and has been doing this for a couple months and my plants are thriving! She also loves to dust the plants leaves and remove any ill foliage. In the warmer months it is also a great joy to garden with toddlers. Playing in dirt is actually really good for humans, there are good bacteria that we interact with and there have been studies done that show how interacting with soil through gardening actually helps people be happy. It is good for us, and it is good for children! There are different kinds of gardening that you can do with children depending on your goals. One really rewarding approach is to grow vegetables! The benefits are obvious, your toddler gets to see how vegetables grow and taste them! May make them more keen to eat them as well! Another great approach is to plant a pollinator friendly garden and take the opportunity to observe the bees and butterflies that visit. I like to do both each year, food in our backyard, and flowers in our front.

Repairs and Upkeep

When things get broken I like to consider if there is a way my toddler can fix it if they want to. My children have helped with taping torn books, screwing in loose bolts on furniture, and fixing broken toys. They love to help my husband while he works on the car by handing him tools and holding parts in place for him. They help me find missing parts for toys and games and also help with organizing when things get a little too messy. We go through toys and books together to decide what is ready to go to another family, and what they are not yet ready to part with.

The bottom line is that toddlers are members of the family and they generally desire to feel like they contribute. Toddlers do not have a lot of power and they know it but giving them opportunities to help in a meaningful way is not just great for their skill building, it is great for their confidence!

Pet Care

Pet care must be entirely an adults responsibility but a toddler may enjoy helping pour food, refill water or help with grooming depending what kind of pet you have. We have parrots in our home and so my toddler enjoys giving them spray bottle showers. They love it, and she takes pride in being able to do it all by herself. It is also a great idea to include children in the training of pets, and teach them how to respectfully interact with them.

Finding the Answer Together

by Chris | Feb 2, 2022 | Parenting, Parenting preschoolers, Preschool, Preschool Activities, Preschool Environment

Where toddlers ask “what is it?”, preschoolers tend to ask “why is it, and how does it fit?” How does this idea fit into the framework I have built about how the world works? Why do these things work the way they do? How are things categorized? These questions can make it easier as the adult to think of activities to do with children this age, as long as we remember that we do not need to answer the questions ourselves. Often we shouldn’t answer the questions ourselves because it robs our children of the joy and satisfaction of discovery! My four year old has been playing some games which include division recently and he noticed that sometimes things cannot be evenly divider. He was honestly a little perturbed by the idea of a remainder in division so I thought it would be a good idea to introduce even and odd numbers. We had counters on hand, I mean after all you can use anything as a counter as long as you have enough of that object! So I quickly cut out some labels for even and odd and introduced the concept to Mr Man. I showed him how to line up the counters in pairs. Numbers that had no lonely counters were even, and numbers that had a counter left without a pair were odd. He picked it up right away and made the observation that this was why sometimes in his division game there were remainders! He also pointed out that he remembered from our walk earlier a street where he had only seen odd numbered houses and he wondered about that. I didn’t feel the need to explain why there were only odd number houses on that street and instead I tucked that information away in my mind to explore on our next walk. The next day on our walk he pointed out the houses he had brought up, sure enough they were all odd numbers. After giggling for a bit about how “odd” that was he wondered what the house numbers were on the other side of the street. When he realized they were all even he had a lightbulb moment. He followed the numbers from one side of the street to the other counting all the way up the street. I had the opportunity back at the start of this line of inquiry, during the frustration about remainders to explain even and odd numbers. I also had the opportunity to explain the house number situation during our even and odd number game. I could have used these times as opportunities to impart knowledge upon him. However that would have robbed him of the opportunity to make these connections, and make sense of these experiences himself. It would likely not have had as much of an impact on his understanding of numbers and probably would have ended that line of inquiry. Sometimes there are times when it is necessary to just answer a question outright, but whenever possible if you can then simply join in that wondering and join your preschooler on their quest to find answers. It will be much more rewarding!

Climb Baby Climb

by Chris | Feb 1, 2022 | Parenting, Toddler

When thinking about toddlers I find the first place my mind goes is to their need to move. Even in calling them toddlers it brings the image of tiny people toddling around. They very quickly move past toddling though and move right into running, climbing, and testing their body’s limits. Toddlers need to move. They need to see what they are capable of, and they have spend plenty of time as infants observing while not yet mobile. Now that they have figured out movement it is not uncommon for them to move during all their waking hours (sometimes while they sleep as well)! Toddlers need to climb and often they climb places that as adults we deem inappropriate or unsafe. From the toddlers perspective there is no such thing! Asking them not to climb generally will not work, their bodies are telling them they need to and those impulses are much stronger than their ability to follow direction. Even when redirected to another activity they will generally return to the climbing when the impulse strikes. The obvious solution is to create safe climbing options for your toddler. Many homes purchase indoor climbers, pikler triangles of play couches for this purpose. I will be reviewing some of these products in the near future. It is not necessary to buy special climbing equipment but it is a simple answer to the problem of unsafe climbing. Another easier solution is to find climbing opportunities in your home. Climb stools, stairs, piles of couch cushions, beds. If weather allows visit playgrounds, hike, climb hills, find large rocks or fallen trees to climb and balance on. As often as possible when you witness unsafe or inappropriate climbing acknowledge your child’s perspective, and offer them a climbing alternative you are happy with them exploring. The inappropriate climbing will stop when they know they will have the opportunity to meet that need and that you will be there to understand them, and help them.

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