House Rules

When we bring sweet newborn babies home, we are rarely thinking about the rules we will expect them to follow. We are far too preoccupied with making sure they are fed, clean, and getting what we hope is an appropriate amount of sleep. Then as the newborn days fade and the reality of parenthood sets in we tend to set our sights on things like routines and milestones. After all that chubby little potato is not getting into any mischief at this point, they are still learning how to use their bodies and will. Then the toddler years come tearing through our lives before we have a chance to realize that this little person is changing faster than we are realizing. At this point many parents start to state rules and boundaries during periods of perceived mischief. No, you cannot touch the outlet. No, you may not touch my coffee. No, you cannot climb on the table. It can feel like it never ends. Sometimes we have done our research on how to speak to young children and those rules may sound more like this; oh, you want to climb. The table isn’t safe let’s climb on the couch. Instead of no running you may remember to say walking feet, or the quick and easy walk! These are better but in the mayhem of the toddler years sometimes it is easy to forget that this brand-new human being does not know the basis for these rules. They have no reason to think that it is dangerous, unethical, or unkind to do certain actions. They have impulses, and they act on them!

However, if you are stating rules left, right and centre and any of those rules happen to contradict you better believe that little person will notice. They will have to keep testing and pushing your boundaries to see what exactly the real expectation is in any given situation. Another thing to keep in mind is that for a toddler or a preschooler remembering a ton of rules for distinct situations is extremely challenging. They may not necessarily understand why they can walk and eat at home, but must remain seated at a restaurant. Why they can run inside the gym of their daycare, but must walk in every other indoor space. Why they do not need to wear pants at home, but they are required to wear them at their childminder’s house which to them, ideally feels like a second home. So then recognizing the confusion in the little person’s face many adults will attempt to explain their reasoning. We want to explain it well and so we use many words and perhaps some examples. For the toddler, who takes a little longer to process information than we may think, this wordiness is frustrating and more confusing. Imagine trying to enjoy playing a new board game, and the person you are playing with keeps stopping you to explain the why behind the rules. That game would soon lose its appeal, and your friend would be starting to get under your skin.

At this point I am sure you are wondering what my point in all of this really is. It is simple really, when your child is very young, still an infant ideally, sit down with every adult who lives in your home and decide upon a few house rules. The big umbrella rules that can cover all the little corrections you may need to make in the future. Rules that can last the entirety of the time this child spends under your roof. Rules that you can reference to that little baby touching the outlet, to the toddler, climbing the table, to the preschooler screaming no, and to the teenager sneaking out of the house. Rules that will become so well known and understood that you do not need to explain it each and every time. You can correct with less words, and older siblings can remember and use them with their younger siblings as well. In having fewer rules there are many benefits. One is that your child will not need to test quite as many boundaries, but believe me they will still test. Two, your child will be able to remember the rules from a much younger age, this does not mean that they have the ability to follow them- their brains are still quite immature! Three, it will encourage your child to consider for themselves why we behave the way that we do. It will encourage deeper and more considerate thought than relying on the adult to state the many different rules each day. Four, it will feel a lot less overwhelming. It is discouraging to be corrected constantly. It is disheartening to feel like you are always in the wrong. Having known and agreed upon rules can make that much less necessary. You can give subtler reminders rather than always correcting which empowers the child to remember the correct course of action. Lastly, and I think most importantly having agreed upon rules that do not change will ensure that your older child does not think your rules are arbitrary. A teenager who thinks that their parents are just making up rules to control them, or be mean is much less likely to respect their parents than a teen who has grown up with a set of consistent rules and expectations that have not changed. A bonus is that it is a lot less work on the adult to have another authority to point to. It will not work for the teens, but for the younger children simply telling them “The rule says” can be enough to make a child accept what you are saying with less fuss.

All of that being said I want to share the three house rules we have in our home.

1) We do our jobs. (This will be explained below)
2) We respect other people.
3) We respect belongings.

That is it. Those are the rules we run our home with and essentially every other correction or rule can fall under these three. As for the first rule I think I need to explain what those jobs are. For the children that means they do their job, which is to listen to mommy and daddy. I want to be clear here, I mean listen to what we are saying and engage with it. I do not mean obey our every command. It is expected that our children will listen to what we say, and they are welcome to discuss it with us respectfully. In some cases, they may need to obey as well, such as in a case of them neglecting a responsibility. In other cases, they may not need to, if we ask a favour, they are of course welcome to decline. We see their interactions with us here as a critical point for them to practice holding boundaries, negotiating, and compromising. We are the safest people for them to test those skills on, and it is our goal to empower them with those skills.

Rule one also applies to us adults. Our job is to teach our children, and do our best to keep them healthy and safe. So sometimes in order for us to do our job, and follow our own rules we need to override our toddler’s will. For example, if our toddler does not want to brush her teeth. We will remind her that our job is to keep her healthy, and brushing teeth helps keep her healthy. We give one opportunity for our toddler to cooperate after that reminder of the rules and then we gently do it for her, restraining her as gently as possible. Afterwards we empathize, hug, and reflect on what happened. We do not try to convince our children to do as we ask, we don’t bribe or threaten. We just remind them of their job, our jobs, and then do what is necessary as quickly as possible to get it over with. The longer it is drawn out, the more upsetting an ordeal it becomes.

Rule two covers a whole range of things. Instead of having to explain each and every time why we cannot push, bite, grab, or pull on another person we can point out that is not respectful to that person. Or if the situation is safe, we can ask, “does that choice seem respectful to that person?” It can easily be used in moments of attitude as well. “The way you said that felt disrespectful to me. Did you mean for it to be that way?” Often, I find my five-year-old did not intend any disrespect and he is flabbergasted when he is told it felt disrespectful. He often will correct himself and ask how he can say it more kindly. On the flip side the children expect that same amount of respect. I have had the humbling experience of having my five-year-old tell me, “I don’t like the way you are speaking to me. I think you need space”. He was right I was not being respectful. He felt safe enough, and empowered enough to recognize it and correct me. I apologized and adjusted the way I was speaking to him. Another interesting way we see this rule explored is through the expression of emotions. Especially anger. We often remind the children that it is okay to be angry, but they must remain respectful. That may look like walking away so that they do not say something in anger. It may look like screaming to stop themselves from hitting. It may look like just yelling space- something our whole family understands is necessary to remain respectful at times of big feelings. After the anger is under control we reconnect and repair as needed. Rule two requires some sort of repair if somebody is treated with disrespect. They do not need to say sorry, but they need to take some action to make things right. We leave it up to each family member how they approach that task. We hope that it will give the children plenty of practice in making repairs now, so that as they encounter different people and situations as adults, they will understand how to repair rifts- and how sorry is simply not good enough.

Rule three covers just about everything else. We respect belongings, whether they are ours or somebody else’s. They are meant to be treated with respect, not damaged or misused. That applies to walls, art supplies, pets, cars, toys, and basically anything else they come across. I don’t really like considering live animals as belongings but technically that is what they are, and they do fit in this category. It is because of this rule that I am able to keep all of our art materials at toddler height even on days when I provide daycare and have six children under five in my home. They very quickly learn how to use those supplies respectfully. Supplies that are not used respectfully are put away. Not for long, whenever we leave a room, I reset it. So, the very next time the children enter that room they again have the opportunity to use that material respectfully. They also have the trust to do it. There have been three incidents total of children drawing on walls or furniture in the four years I have provided childcare. In each instance the child cleaned it, and then they never repeated the action. There was no drama, no anger, no punishment. Just a reminder of the rule and then we moved on.

So far, these rules are serving us well. I hope they can carry into the older child and teen years. I can see rule two applying to wanting to be out late and to modesty. I can see rule three applying to borrowing the car, or sharing make up (yuck!) I am very aware that there may need to be tweaks to the rules as time goes on but as it stands I think they are a great tool in our home. I suggest sitting down and coming up with your own (minimal) list of family rules as well. Make sure you know why you have them. Your toddler will ask you approximately three billion times, and having an answer is handy. Give yourself a break from inventing rules and reasons in the moment. It is much easier to have a few to refer to for you and for the littles as well. For my Christian readers I intend to follow this post up (hopefully soon!) on my Christian parenting page with the scripture that you can reference when discussing different aspects of the rules. I will also talk about the overarching rule that these three stem out of in our home.